S4E27 Are empowered women getting a bad rap

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): All right, Bozeman bow ties. I have a question for you are empowered women, what's wrong with our society? all right, hold on a second.

So I just wanted to play my old intro. I haven't played it in a while, but I just wanted to throw that in there. So luck. I've been talking about women who have, who are childless, you know, in their forties and fifties. Let me bring up that little thumbnail. Do I have that? My old thumbnail? What, what, what's happening here? I thought I had it. I, I brought this up the other day. I. think I did this. Was it a day or two, two days ago maybe.

I talked about how, yeah, women who are childless at 40 and 50 and you know, a lot of people had issues with that, but I wanna talk about what it means to be empowered for a second. So I wrote down a couple of quick little bullets. It's basically when you have control over your life, it's when you make your own choices and you take actions in order to achieve certain goals, right? That's in a nutshell, what it means to be empowered. you know, you are in charge of your own choices, your own thoughts, what you wanna do, achieving these goals.

So, you know, one of the things that I was thinking about was the things that were showing up in my feed lately, which dealt with being childless. And, and a lot of people seem to have an issue with women who choose not to have children. And so one of the things that I think that seems to, you'll see these kinds of things, you know, many of the women is they tend to be very self confident. I'm just writing down some of, I mean, reading off some of the notes I took, they tend to be very assertive.

They tend to have some sort of purpose. They tend to be very independent. Now, I wanna say it was over the summer. Maybe it was over the summer, I, think I did a video on independent being the, the new dirty word. you know, 'cause I think it was, Ciara came out with her song. I don't even remember how it goes. And I just feel like, look, this is what I'm gonna say. I feel like women who are empowered are getting a bad rap. Now look, I am not, when I talk about the women who are childless at 40 and 50 or 60, whatever it is, generally speaking, when I talk about women who are choosing to be childless, there's you, A lot of it has to do with maybe they chose their career.

I'm not talking about the woman who wanted to have children, but maybe their body just could not handle it for whatever reason. It may have been some sort of medical issue. Or maybe they chose their career first and then it just became too late. So they're like, okay, I'm not gonna do the children thing. I'm talking about women who actively are choosing this light in the background is you see these, these, these recess lights. I'm talking about women who actively chose not to have children.

And I probably should link this at the end of this video. A lot of women are choosing not to have children, primarily maybe because there has been some sort of childhood trauma, right? And so, like I said in the video, maybe they grew up raising children, okay? Maybe their own, their their own siblings, maybe some nieces, nephews, whatever it is. Maybe there's been some sort of other kind of abuse. Maybe they just don't wanna have children because they want to enjoy their career, their goals.

They have these, these things that they wanna achieve. And, they don't think that motherhood is gonna fit in line with that. And what I'm finding is when women are very clear on the things that they want to do and achieve and, and, and, and not have children, a lot of times people will say that they're selfish, that they're these, these, these bad people. But this isn't just about women who don't, don't wanna have children. This is about women who maybe don't want to be married.

There are women who don't wanna get married. And what happens is, and when I see women who don't wanna have children or don't wanna get married, I feel like oftentimes they get put into this category of, like I said, being selfish. I, I don't know a lot of these other things. And so what I, in my opinion, these remember, these are my both thoughts, okay? Both thoughts. I find that oftentimes women who are empowered to achieve their goals, remember when we talk about being empowered is about being like having some sort of purpose.

You're in control of your actions and choices and that type of thing. I'm finding that it's a lonely position to be in. Now, it doesn't necessarily mean that these women are just these lonely creatures, but what I will say at times, I can see how that can be a lonely position because they get judged. Okay? Now, some of them are in that position, And, they have regrets, but there are some women who don't have regrets and people can't wrap their heads around these empowered women who don't wanna have children.

Now, I'm gonna give full disclosure, I am one of those married people with children, right? But I do remember when I was more interested in making sure I was financially stable and grounded in my career. I did not want to be beholden to someone. And then when I got married, I was afforded the ability to be home for a period of time before I went back to work. The reasons why I went back to work, because like I tell people all the time, I think I would be too insecure to be a stay at home mom.

It was one of the best and worst times of my life. There were times I hated it. I hated the fact that people were referring to me as my husband's wife instead of by my name. I hated the fact that people back in my theater are fine or younger days. I was just like some trophy or some arm piece. I hated the fact that people didn't think I had the ability to walk and swing my arms at the same time. I did not like how I felt in the process. And so me returning back to work was twofold.

Number one, financially it made sense, right? Because I could be a contributor in my house in other ways. Number two, it was for my own health and wellbeing. Not because I just wanted to be an engineer, but more so I wanted a purpose outside of my house. But when I see many women who are choosing a life of being single, it doesn't mean that they don't have engaging relationships, but they're choosing not to marry and have children or whatever it is.

They get this bad rap. I do think that there are times when it can contribute to loneliness, but I don't think many of these women who are who, who are in these scenarios are always lonely. And I know it seems like a straddling fence, right? I think that oftentimes many of these women or some of these women build support mechanisms around themselves, whether it's family, friends, whatever. That's not to say that there aren't times when they have never felt lonely.

But what I'm saying is not all women are these, these selfish people. Now that also what comes with that is usually you get to be set in your ways too when you, when you've been living as a singular person for not as a unit. Okay? But the thing I was gonna say is I feel like they get this bad rap. So a couple of the things that I wrote down was like there for women, I feel like there's a lot of expectations for them to meet like this, this notion of what a woman is like, if you choose to start a business, whatever like that, and you choose not to go down the family route, maybe it's just not something that you want, right?

It is almost as if like you're not a woman or you can't be feminine, or the fact that you're assertive about the things you want. It's almost as if like you're just this masculine person, right? Well, I think I possess masculine. And so-called feminine traits, right? I like to think that I'm assertive when necessary. I'm definitely opinionated. you know, I'm a, a lot of these these things, purpose-driven, goal-driven, et cetera.

But a lot of these women, they get like these, these, I can see how they get put in this box. like, you don't meet the expectation of womanhood. You can't possibly know what it's like or, or to co connect with other women. Oh, there's a comment here. Hey, what's up Derek? Again, interesting I. think people, especially black folks, feel that way or look at you as weird. If, if I guess if you choose not to have kids, either it's man or woman that choose not having kids.

In my opinion, I think most of it falls on the women. They, because from what I hear now, granted, I wanna be clear, I am completely biased. you know, I'm always gonna stand for black women first. Now, I'm not anti-black man, but I'm a black woman. So you know, of course I'm gonna, you know, support black women. I am biased I. think what happens is if you are a woman and you choose not to have children, or it works out that you're not married, they say what is wrong with you?

They don't say that about men. Or it's rare that they say that about men, but they don't say what's wrong with you? Why don't you want to do what you know God has designed you to do? That's, that's kind of like what a lot of people will come at you with, right? So. I mean I I think we have to be honest about that. You know, like what's the saying when they say like, it's not fair. So on the tip of my tongue, it's gonna come back to me, but oh, it'll come back to me.

The point I was gonna make about that it, this, there's a saying, you know, basically like we're not judged equally, but I forgot what I was gonna say. But. anyway, let me move on past that. Oftentimes you're gonna be judged for being ambitious. Now, most of you who've been on my channel before, you know, I'm an engineer. I I think I checked all of the, so-called masculine boxes, right? I went to a predominantly male school. I chose an in a profession that was male dominated. I was an officer in the military, I was in charge of people.

And, and then I had the audacity. When I got outta the military after five years, there was a period of time where I didn't even wanna date. I had the audacity to say to people like, you know, I'm only gonna deal with a certain type of guy, like a professional guy. And you know, people don't like that. When you look at somebody like NY Kay Williams, they will, you know, demonize and vilify her for saying, Hey, I have a standard for myself. Why is it bad that I set a standard for myself anyway?

So you get judged for being ambitious. You get judged for wanting someone is ambitious, right? I don't know But. anyway, a lot of these empowered women, I I think they're just not, no one wants to see their Femininity in the process. These are just my opinions. These are just my thoughts. They don't think that these are women. And what happens is now we start to chip away at the woman. We chip away at her accomplishments, we chip away at her Femininity and we say, oh, you are this.

So I, I do think that many of 'em get a bad rap. I'm gonna circle back to Ebony Kay Williams. you know, I, I believe she's a lawyer, you know, and she's very assertive. She knows what it is that she wants. And now there's so many people who will tear her apart. How dare she wants somebody who is accomplished or whatever, the nerve of this woman. These are just my thoughts.

I do think that many of these women are going to be stereotyped, right? Like I, I remember someone mentioning, I remember when I was in the military. I had a commander and somebody made the comment because she was a strong person. They were like, I bet she's a lesbian. I was like, how, how did you make that leap? She had a whole man, by the way, a whole man, right? And he had to have a strong constitution about himself because she was on a career trajectory that I think it took her to general actually.

But the point I'm making is, so now these women, they get, they, they get these labels, they get all these, they get called all these names. Like, you know, I just think that these empowered women get a bad rap because they chose to chase after maybe a set of goals. They aren't in charge of their life. They're saying children don't fit into this plan that I have for myself. And because that when they make these choices, their Femininity is attacked. What kinda woman doesn't wanna have kids?

Like, it's crazy. I remember when I stayed home and then went back to work. 'cause I was like, this is not for me. I remember I made a snarky comment that years ago, and I'm sure I offended people, but that was my, my head space was, I remember someone said, why would you want to go back to work? And I said, I don't wanna sit home all day talking about children and the cost of milk and what I'm gonna make for dinner.

I'm like, who wants to talk about that day? And, but I said it in a much nastier way. And the woman that I said this to, I know she was offended. Oddly enough, she has since returned back to work because her kids are older and now she's like running a local magazine, which is actually kind of amazing. But the point I'm making is I feel like a lot of these women who are empowered And, they, they have these notions of things that they want to do, things they wanna achieve, they get attacked for it.

I look at somebody like Monique comedian, Monique has been in the news or in the social media streets and it, it's hard with Monique, right? 'cause I think multiple things can be true about her. Like she do, I wanna say she's empowered. I feel like she has a strong enough constitution about herself to come out and say the things where she has been wronged.

But on the other hand, she is leaning on her daddy, which is supposed to be her man, which is a whole weird thing. And that's a whole other discussion. I think that with somebody like her, it's kind of like the audacity of this big black woman getting out here saying like, no, this isn't fair. No, I want this. I want all these things. And I think what happens is a lot of times people want to confuse her mothering with her son versus what she has the audacity to say what she wants outta life for her career, how she's been treated, right?

So what happens is she's loud about it, she's repetitive about it. And people who don't like her anyway, what happens is people will sit there And, they will denigrate this woman. And keep in mind she is an imperfect woman. Like all of us are imperfect, right? And I'm like, this is a whole black woman. But these people want to tear her down. And I'm not saying she's perfect. She's a perfectly flawed person, right? She's got some mess about her. But how dare she have the audacity with all her flaws and faults to say X, Y, and Z.

So you get a bad rap. People made up rumors about it mean she, she recorded Tyler Perry saying that she was hard to work with. She very well could be, but it doesn't mean that those other things that she talked about aren't true. How dare this person who has chosen to take charge of her career and make her choices, whether or not is by the influence of daddy or not her husband. That's neither here nor there. How dare she decide to do these things and go on somebody's podcast and proclaim and say these things loudly?

Then we've got people who claim that they love black women support black women. And the first time she got on there and said something that they didn't like, they decided to tear her down. They tore her a whole new Hyde Park. They talked about her bigness, they talked about she's not a good comedian and, and that's debatable. They talked about her mothering, they talked about her relationship. They talked about everything they could to bring her down because she had the audacity to get out there and say, Hey, these things happen to me and I don't like it and this is what I want.

She even had the nerve to say, I think Tyler Perry used to pay me. I allegedly, I can't remember exactly how it went down on that club. I think it was it 25 million or whatever it was. I was like, okay. So anyway, she was assertive all these tricks. I said earlier she was confident she was assertive, you know, she was talking about a purpose, right? Anyway, the point I'm getting at is a lot of these women are gonna face these stereotypes. They're gonna face these Mary, these, these, these microaggressions. People are gonna be mad because, you know, how dare she say these things I think within our culture.

What did I say I? think we have these expectations of what, you know, womanhood looks like right now. There is that gender war happening. We got these men on these whacked out weirdo podcasts getting out there talking about women need to submit. You got women who are like, how can I submit to a man who doesn't have any money and any purpose And they drive and all those other stuff. We have these, these, these notions of what womanhood looks like and we're in an environment where the very same thing of what it is that we think something looks like we c we can't even subscribe to it, right?

At least not and mass I think that, you know, the culture is so broken and so damaged that we can't even form these healthy notions of what these roles are. So when you have someone who's empowered who goes against the grain within the culture, it's almost like they're gonna be ostracized. I'm just saying I. think about somebody like a Wendy Williams.

I mean she did a lot for the culture in terms of hot topics and that type type of thing. But there, there's times when she was extremely polarizing. Well, she's a polarizing person and she's done a lot of things. you know, there's Oprah I think Oprah's got some mess about her, but you know, you know I said what? I said, you've got a lot of that going on. I don't know, maybe those weren't good examples. I don't know. Let me see. I wrote down another note, but I wasn't sure what I meant by that, so I don't think I'm going to read it But.

anyway, that that, that's it. I just wanted to basically say that empowered women I think they do get a bad rap. I think when they have the audacity to speak and say things that people can't possibly dream, they, they get torn down. Well, I mean, look at Ayala. She didn't like the fact that Ebony k Williams had a a standard for herself. It's a high standard, but it is a standard. And then because she has that standard for herself, everyone talks so bad about her.

How dare she say that she doesn't want to be with a bus driver? And I was just kinda like she has the right to say that. Now, her selection, her, her, her selection pool is going to be greatly reduced. But she has to right to have a purpose for her life purpose, to take control of her life to say, I only want to be mated with someone who fits certain criteria, whether they are black or white or whatever it is.

And we have to be okay with it. Anytime a woman boldly proclaims something for herself about herself, people want to attack her. They did it to Monique, they've done it to Ebony, Kate Williams. I'm trying to think, who else do they tear down? I said what I said anyway, these are my both thoughts.

I just thought about that. And I was like, you know, let me just bring this out real quick and maybe it's because I was thinking about this whole childless thing that seems to be going on. I mean, you got people in Korea going through it, like their population has been reduced. It's going in the, let me rephrase that. Their population replacement is greatly reduced right now. They're like less than one. That's a big deal. In order to replace your population, I think you need to have an average of 2.2 births a year.

They're averaging I. think somewhere around, and I don't know where I read this, so please forgive. They're averaging around like 0.7 right now, and I think they're projected to go even lower. When I did that video on being childish at 40 or 50 or whatever, you know, I, I'm sure people just didn't like what I had to say. But the fact of the matter is, there are people who don't wanna have children at that age and people don't like it. There are women who don't wanna get married. And. they get a bad rap about it.

There are women who don't want to live with someone And. they get a bad rap about it. There are women who don't want to co-mingle finances. They get a rap, bad rap about it. Anyway, these are just my both thoughts. Let me know what you're thinking. I'm not gonna like belabor this too long, and hopefully you guys enjoyed this. you know what, I haven't used my outro in a long time. I'm gonna use my outro. It's like five, 10 seconds.

all right? And so next time.

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