S4E31 When tiktok asks about married relationships

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): All right, bows and bow ties. So luck. I know my background is looking a little crazy. It's a little dark because I didn't turn all the lights on and I don't feel like getting my camera filter. Should I change but angle I'm at here. all right. Not, but not camera filter. What is it? The camera light. So look, I just wanna talk about something that I've seen pop up in my feed. So, you know, I've been trying to cur my feet a lot, right?

So one of the things I've been looking at was empty nesting and that type of thing, but instead the shady YouTube algorithm likes to put other things in my feet. And one of the things that's coming up is the fact that there have been women asking about why is it that we don't hear women who are happily married talking about their relationships? Now, this isn't the first time that's popped up in my feed. I've seen it on TikTok, but let me just say this and I think I've actually spoken about this in the video maybe a couple of months back.

But let me just say this, people who are happily married, there's several things going on. Number one, you typically don't spend a lot of time focusing on circle, circle, I can't even get it out. Social media, right? That you're usually pretty busy. You guys see how I struggle to get on here all the time just to make content, right? Like I have ideas, but the, the, the number of cycles just doesn't lend itself to me doing it.

I'm not only married, but I do have children. You guys are aware of that. So my schedule dictates the kind of time that I have available. And then when I do have time, I al don't always wanna get on social media, right? Like, I wanna like enjoy time with other people, friends, my family, myself. But yeah, typically people who are in pretty decent relationships, they, they don't typically spend a whole lot of time on social media. Most of the people I know they do not.

I'm like one of the few who actually gets on here and then when they do get on, they're like cracking up. They're like, girl, you actually posted. So that's that, that's number one. Number two, my, my, the details of my relationship are just that they're mine. I wanted to pause there. You guys know that I don't typically put my children or my husband and rarely even my diva cat out here on social media.

They didn't ask to be out here. And I don't want to highlight my family, I'm not embarrassed of my family or anything like that. but I do like having a level of privacy. The things I want to talk about don't necessarily concern them most of the time, but I like to keep my personal life personal, okay? In the last year I've had a lot of things going on, but I don't typically bring them to this platform, right?

I do think there should be a level of separation. Now, it doesn't mean that I can't talk about real life things, but I like to guard what I treasure the most, which is my family, the relationship with my family, dysfunctional as it may be. I like to guard that. So most of the people I know who are in these relationships and we cherish them so much, dysfunctional or not, we typically are not going to put the family out in an environment or on front street where people want to inquire about them, attack them, or anything like that.

Like I said, it has nothing to do with anything embarrassment or any of that kind of stuff. It's more along the lines of I like to protect my family because you guys are psycho. All of you except for me. but yeah, so that, that's part of the reason why we don't typically put our spouses or boyfriends or whatever it is. If we're in a happy relationship, I, think those who tend to put all the details of the relationship, excuse me, relationship on social media, they lend themselves or they open themselves up to uninvited scrutiny and attacks.

Which leads me to my next point. I find that when people share their marriage or the details of the relationship, they get attacked, right? I don't share too many details of my relationship unless it's very surface. Like if it's something funny or whatever I don't share, you will get attacked. There will be, everyone will create all these think pieces and hit pieces and everything else. I mean, case in point, look at what happened with Simone Biles and Jonathan Networks.

I gotta get his name right. you know, you got two young people who thought that they were opening themselves up for good and as soon as they make any gaps, any faux pause or anything like that, look at how many people tried to tear them down. And yes, were there some red flags? Of course there were. But instead of saying, okay guys, look, let me offer you some constructive advice and constructive criticism.

You guys lift each other up, you guys cover each other, you guys support each other, right? You don't have to put all of your business up there. You don't have to put gory details or anything that could be considered salacious, right? Because people are gonna take it and run with it and they're gonna make a tons of videos on it. You've got women who've not, who've never been married, never been in a long relationship or whatever it is, you've got women wanting to tell her Simone Biles to run from her husband.

Now, let me just say this. I am not advocating being in a relationship that's bad, that's abusive, that's any of those things. Not at all. But what I am saying is, you've got two young people who hadn't even been married a year, And. they clearly have some sort of feelings and love for each other. Why not try to foster and grow that instead of tearing down that relationship? There are people, there were people so invested in that relationship.

Everybody's an expert. And I'm like, we, I look at all these people and I'm primarily focused on the women right now because I'm a black woman and, and I know what it's like to be black and a woman. So I just kind of felt like, why would you sit there and tear this woman down? Now we know that this man got out there and was in full on ding-dong territory. He sounded stupid, right? And a lot of the men are gonna co-sign his, his shenanigans. I can't, I can't concern myself with them.

I don't worry about the dumb downs, okay? You just gotta let them be where they are. But for a woman to get out here and tear this young woman down, instead of telling them to give them, give them the tools to help build this relationship, telling them things like, Hey, next time save some of your relationship for you. It's not for the public. They are not rooting for you. They're rooting for, see, I told you so they're so angry.

They're rooting for the narrative. And, and don't get me wrong, that this guy just fit a narrative. However, I'm like, wait a second. Why not try to give them something to help build from? They're still so young. I remember when years ago, I was frustrated with my husband and I was expressing myself to people. And I made the classic faux paw running my mouth talking to people.

And when you do that, people want to, they, they want, I mean, you got people who will, will make up all kinds of stuff. I'm like, all our stuff was, how'd you get here? And my didn't even do anything crazy.

Speaker 2 (8m 48s): He didn't even do. We were just in this weird space

Speaker 1 (8m 50s): Where we weren't communicating, right? I've had women spread crazy lies. It was so bad that there were people, there were men coming up to me like, be careful because they're not your friend. Multiple people were coming up to me like, Hey, they're spreading stuff. We know it's not even true. I wasn't even around. I was so shocked.

So that's the reason why when people who are in these happy relationships and stuff like that, they don't get out here on social media and talk about it. That's why you see the preponderance of, of people who are in no relationships or people who've been in bad relationships get on here. But the people who know better, like I have wisdom. Now, some, some of my wisdom came from taking the advice. Some of it came from having to experience things 'cause I didn't take advice, right?

So you'll find that people who are in these relationships, these good relationships, they don't talk about their relationships. They just live. The people I know who are in good relationships. They don't put their relationships out there. The only thing that I think some people do. The ones who are still on Facebook, they might put pictures of their family, but generally speaking, they don't talk about their relationships.

They guard it. They, they don't open it up. you know, they put hedges of protection around it. So that's the reason why when it comes to me, you don't see me. You are not gonna see me put my relationship out there. I don't even like my kids to come on camera. I love my kids. but I try to shield them. Eventually they're gonna have their presence. Look what's going on with the hair situation, you could tell. So look, I use these flexi rods and you know, I'm, I'm tacky, right?

So I take my hair outta the plexi rods and I just fluff it and keep it moving. I don't style it. We just, we just go with it. This is, it's just how it is. That's the difference between me and everybody else, right? Everybody's got the bus down. And the bus downs are cute, but I just flexi rod. My crazy hair situation. And this is it. Anyway, getting back to the point, I don't think that we need to put our relationships out there for public consumption.

So I mean, and it doesn't mean that we shouldn't be talking more on a higher level. Like the things that, like these are the things that we did. These are the things that we do. These are the things that we enjoy. but I definitely just don't see happily married people or people who are in like really happy, healthy relationships posting about it. Because those who know, know misery loves company. And if I were to post something about my relationship, you know, and I have a small platform, somebody's gonna find that And.

they gonna be like, CC, look. Look what's going on. Look what's happening. They're gonna take that and run with it. They're gonna take it and run with it. And then they're going to tear it down. See? And then they'll, they'll say things like, I always knew she was a pick me. And don't get me wrong, you guys don't pick mes out here in these streets. but I feel like you can be in a relationship and not be a pick me. You can be in a happy relationship and not want to share it with people.

Not because you're afraid that somebody's gonna come after your husband. You just don't wanna open it up for unnecessary attacks. The devil is coming. So anyway, for those who are out there dating, this is what I would say to you. I've been there before. It's been a while. you know, if you're gonna meet somebody, I would be open and just not even play any games. You don't have to lie.

I just see so many women out here all trying to be the same exact women. They're all trying to be the same exact woman. Be your own woman. That's what I would say. Be who you are. But you gotta be open to, I was a professional. I still am a professional. But the one thing I think I did different, which always resonated a lot of people, was I was willing to be vulnerable, but not too vulnerable. Meaning you gotta be smart.

but I don't know. I just didn't put on a whole lot of errors. What is that? What was that? Oh, that was my little, that noise you heard was this I? think I remember. 'cause I remember people used to make comments all the time. But the one thing I remember was I would laugh from the gut if I thought it was funny. I would laugh if I wanted to do something. I would do something. I had my own life, my own dreams, my own goals.

I was willing to invite people in and I was willing, willing to participate in other people's lives. But it had to be a mutual kind of agreement. And if it didn't work, I think the one thing about me was I didn't b linger along in in relationships or, or when I say relationships, they weren't even relationships. I just didn't linger along in things that didn't work. I wasn't mad about it either.

Nope. I just didn't do it. I was just like, all right, this isn't gonna work. And it was just kinda like, good luck to you. Like you, you know? So anyway, that's my advice to you guys. But ultimately, like I said, for those of you who wanna understand why you don't see a whole bunch of married people talking about their relationships is because one, they guard their relationships. They don't wanna open them up for attack Two, they typically don't have a whole lot of cycles because they're so busy doing other things. Three, their business is their business, okay?

And, and I would say, let me add a fourth thing too, is when you make the mistake of sharing things about your relationship and then you work to repair things, there's no forgiveness from the outside people. They're like, why? Why would you still do this, that, and the other? He, he, he blinked twice. He shouldn't be blinking twice. I wouldn't, wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be going back to this guy who blinked twice. And I'm not talking about somebody who did something who was unfaithful. I'm not talking about that. 'cause that, that's tough. I mean, some people go back to it, some people don't.

I don't know, I haven't been in a situation where I had to make that decision. Probably not. But what I will say is, let's say somebody, I don't know, what if they, I can't even think of it right now. They could do something that can piss somebody off. And if you start sharing that with the outside people, I wouldn't be with this guy who bought green apples versus the pink apples that you like. I'm just saying, my husband says about those nasty green apples and I like the pink gala or the other ones, or it's the gala or the pink lady or whatever.

Anyway, the point I'm making is they'll be like, and you went back to that guy. That's the kind of stuff like apples. So anyway, go ahead and let that one marinate. Let me know what you're thinking and until the next time.

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