S4E85 When we want empathy but not unity

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Transcript

Speaker 2 (0s): Good morning bows and bow ties. It's 6:56 AM on Saturday. And what date do we have here? What date is it? I don't even know what date it is. June 29th. you know, I'm up because I, you know, I have my sleeping issues at times, so I made some coffee, did some laundry, took care of some other extraneous activities before I get on with the business of my weekend.

But while I was cleaning, I found one of, it's like an older sticky order last maybe couple of months I guess. And I never did this live. I'm not on camera because I'm still in a bonnet and I don't like doing that. So that's why you're getting my avatar or just my still photo today. but I found one of my old sticky notes and I jotted down a few points.

I think this is maybe about two months old. I got some random notes on here. So you guys see the title When, we want empathy but not unity. And then I wrote some random stuff and I don't know where I was going with these other things. I. think I wrote down like Clarence Thomas, Candace Owens, Emmanuel Acho, Jason Whitlock. but I don't think it was related to this title, so I don't know what that was about. So we're not gonna talk about that But. anyway, I wrote down a few points about this and where I was going with this.

I have at the top of my little sticky notice blue, it was, I have scribbled dark skin, want empathy, but don't want unity. But I think it's bigger than that. And I forgot what drove me to write that at the time, but I know, it was like a few months ago when I started making a couple videos about this whole light-skinned, dark-skinned thing, which kinda is like, so annoying to me. But it's, it's one of those ills in the community that doesn't get enough discussion on unless it's one sided.

But this is what I wrote for the first point. And like I said, this was not well thought out. These were some quick points that I wrote on a sticky note. And then I apparently got on with my dad. What was this, you Americans? Yes, us Americans. I know that was meant to be a dig, but I, don't get caught up in that. But thank you Exodus for trolling me this morning. So. yeah, and like I said, I'll say this, for those of you who are not American, obviously we have a different experience.

So I don't like to speak on the experience of people who look like me, who may live in the Caribbean, where they see a vast number of people who look like them. I don't speak on those who live in like Europe, and I don't speak on those who are living in Africa. And I see Exodus continues to troll me, so that, that's fine. But. anyway, I wanna talk about the dark skin light-skinned thing for a second. you know, I was, I ran across some channels that were being pushed into my feed.

And these channels were, they were going off like light skinned women are, this, that, and the other. And, they were just setting it off and you know, I, I just listen, right? Because people have a perspective and people have a collection of experiences, but then also I was being recommended, the antithesis of that, where it was like there were light-skinned or light-skinned promoting cha, I don't even know how to say this.

There were channels that were promoting light skin and biracial, and like, it is like all the, I guess the term is now exotics. So when I did that, I was like, okay, I, I clicked on some of them to hear their perspective. Some of it was very mild mannered, some of it was very, I don't know, it was almost as if they used their skin as some sort of personality trait. But that's, that's not important to this conversation. What I wrote was, nothing should prevent moving in one direction.

I think what I meant was we can't have these conversations where we're moving, where we're having these conversations unilaterally, where just one side is being I think heard, right? And so some of you may have seen one or two videos that I've put out of dealing with my collection of experiences, right? I'm one of those where in the winter I'm really bright and in the summer I get that caramel look, you know, so I, I change, I'm like a chameleon, right?

But growing up, you know, I have my own set of experiences or collection of experiences. So when I was thinking about how, when I would hear the dark skin perspective, it was definitely I think for me it was almost as if it was like a rant session. It was a venting session. And I was kind of like, so what is the upside to this? Like, where, where are we going with this? Because you can acknowledge and recognize her, but what, what's next?

Right? What do you want to do? And what I found, and now this is just based off of what was being recommended in my feed, and I can talk about my collection of experiences. I don't think people really want change at all. I just think people want people to empathize with their plight or their position. but I don't think they really want unification. So I remember years ago I ran across the one content creator, I, I, I believe her name is Chrissy. I hadn't heard from her in a while because there were various, there were various content creators.

I was subscribed to them, unsubscribe to them, subscribe to them, unsubscribe to them, only because I like to limit how much I hear of certain things. And what happened was, I just felt like the content was moving with these, these undertones, these these almost subversive undertones where it was almost as if like it was becoming like this subtle manifesto and how to dislike and distrust women of a certain hue.

Well, I felt like, you know, when I was listening to like, it was Chrissy and, and the such I was like, this is getting quite toxic. It was, it's no different than what we hear now when I hear men bash, or black men in particular bash black women. And I would say even vice versa, when I listen to black women going so hard on black men, now I'm gonna warn you, I'm not gonna sit here and over qualify everything saying some men, some women, it has to be understood.

We know that not all men and women think like this, say these things, et cetera. So I'm not gonna go out of my way to qualify by saying, well, it's not all men, but it's some men or not all women, but you understand. And if you don't, well maybe you should read some more books or something, but like we have to set some ground rules here. Where I'm going with it was, I found based off of what I was listening or hearing, was that our darker skinned sisters were very hurt and very angry.

They say they're not, but they are. Because listen to the content is not just what you say, it's how you say it. And I can appreciate hearing that. I mean, it's not like I haven't heard those things before, but what I have found was many of them were not interested in anything else, right? It became like this dumping session, like this get back session, this, this tear down another woman session. And that's when I start to mentally check out. I check out because there's, there's no room, there's no room there.

And also I recognize that sometimes people are just not ready, right? So they want people to sympathize and empathize with them, but they don't want to make any change. They don't want to move in a direction that's healthy and meaningful. That's what I'm hearing. The the second thing was, what I found was people were not being held accountable for the vitriol coming outta their mouth.

So this is where I am probably going to be quite unpopular. I stopped watching the Real Housewives of Potomac about a year or two ago. Like I've seen clips of it, right? And part of what was turning me off was there was this narrative around Candace and in Lendy around there, there's this colorism on the Show. And I do believe to some extent that there were some undertones, but some of it was simply women just not liking you.

And it doesn't have to be for real reasons. Some of it's because personalities don't gel. So women can, can be catty and, and there's some backbiting. But what I didn't see was where women like Wendy and Candace were being held accountable for, you know, their mouths and subversive behaviors. And so what happened was everyone seems to want to run with this narrative that Giselle was a colorist, and she very well could be, but not all of her behavior was rooted in colorism.

And people don't want to hear that. They, they want something to, to, to hang something on, like almost like the crucify like this has to be yet. And I'm not saying that she was this, this fantastic woman here, but I found that women, darker skinned women had free reign to say disgusting things and talk to people a certain kind of way. And as soon as people started to respond in a certain kind of way, it was like they wanna run and hide behind the skin.

You see, I told you, I told you because now look, I can go into like all kinds of stories where people did things like that to me, right? Like just some nasty, dirty, subversive stuff. And I'm sure if you've seen some of my videos, you've seen this before. But what I found was people thought it was okay for them to say things and do things, but if you were to respond and kind, you see where I'm going with this.

So I I, I feel like what I'm hearing right now when I hear people get out here on social media is there's a lot of ranting, there's a lot of anger, there's a lot of, a little bit of an attack going on. And I understand it for what it is. I don't think there is room to try to get in and solve the problems right now, right? There's no room for it because people are still in a period of I think acknowledging their pain publicly, you know, acknowledging their hurt publicly.

And I don't think the reception, I don't think the reception is there to figure out like, how do we get in the dirt? How do we get in the muck in the mire that, that the mud and try to course correct, right? you know, like if you're trying to change the direction of a plane or a ship or something like that, you make small corrections and then over time they lead to larger results. So I don't think there's room for that right now. I think right now people just want to rant and rape I think, because I'm gonna say the more darker skin toned women have experienced, you know, the negative sides of, of colorism or negative aspects of colorism, I think that they feel as if there's a, some sort of license to lash out.

So like I said, there's no accountability for, for the things that are being said and I think they feel like there's free reign to just set it off. And those are the things that I was noticing. Okay? Like I said, I'm speaking to my experiences, I'm speaking to what I have observed. And, and what makes it so sad is that you, when you hear the kinds of things that people are saying, I'm like this, this is a sentiment that's been brewing, not that I'm new to all this, but sometimes you gotta like say it out out loud and name it.

Now, I, I don't think like the vast majority of people are walking around wanting to go off on light-skinned women. But even at the rip old age of 47, occasionally I still run across people who wanna make comments. People think they're this, that and the other. And I'm just kind of like, you know, I can't be held responsible for how somebody feels. I can only be responsible for if I do something right?

but I can't be held responsible for how someone feels, you know, how they are viewed in the society at large, et cetera. My my thing is it's like, okay, so how do we fix, how do we course correct? I just don't think that there is a want for any form of unity right now. I don't think that's what's wanted at all.

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Speaker 2 (15m 11s): I think what women want who are darker skinned is almost like to be held in high regard. Like to now almost flip it as like, you know, the prize or something like that. They don't want necessarily unification, I think they want recognition. Almost like just which there's, there's a nuance there, right? Like I think they want recognition, they want that, they want to be lauded and applauded and and elevated, right? And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

But to be clear, I don't think they want unification, I think, I just feel like they want there there to be some sort of separation based off what people are out here in these streets reporting on social media. But going back to some of my points, I was the first one I said is like, you can't have one sided conversations. People are not being accountable for the things that come outta their mouths. I think darker skin, women feel like they have a license to just lash out and say some things to people. But you know, I hate to sound like such a cliche, but I would say the fourth thing is like, hurt people really do hurt people and wanna retaliate.

I've seen it, I've experienced it, et cetera, right? Hurt people, hurt people. Some people many. Oftentimes when people are hurt, there's like a natural reaction, there is a natural reaction. What I believe is happening is there is misplaced anger. So I find that those who are experiencing the, the downside of colorism, they are taking it out on those other people that they perceive to experience some sort of benefit.

And, and oftentimes there is a benefit, but instead of being angry at those people, I feel like the anger should be placed on what's promoting it or who was promoting it. Promoting it. And I know it seems like I'm splitting hairs, but there's nuance there. Instead of being mad at the person who might be receiving the benefit, be mad at the system that's promoting that. Who is promoting that? What system is misplaced that I was allowing for these types of things.

So, and then trying to go ahead and attack that. That's the fifth thing. Acknowledging there's no acknowledgement of the misplaced anger. Again, they want the empathy of that they have been put into a bad situation, that they have been mistreated and we know they have, but they don't want to unify with anybody. And then the anger is at the, the, the, the people who are receiving any sort of benefits versus being angry at the people who are, who are promoting that.

They don't want that unity. They want to take it out on someone I think in order to move forward though, this is my sixth thing and like I said, I wrote these down like months ago. Let me see, well, six and seven are kind of sort of the same. I said everyone number six would be everyone must be willing to be vulnerable. And then number seven was everyone has to admit their part. So I think they're kind of related.

On the one hand you have to be willing to talk about those things. I mean, but I think there has to be a purpose. Like, like what are you trying to accomplish? but yeah, I think people have to be vulnerable. I've done a couple of videos where I talked about how once I became aware of what this concept of colorism was, you know, I didn't name it colorism, I didn't do anything to stop it in the beginning. I didn't know how, I didn't have any tools, you know, and if you're preferred or whatever like that, if people are being honest in being vulnerable, it's nice to be preferred, right?

When you're, when you're like ignorant, you don't understand. And then as you mature and you get older and you start to understand and you gain tools, like, so I didn't go outta my way to promote anything bad, but I didn't necessarily stop it, right? But you have to be vulnerable enough to name it. A lot of people are not vulnerable enough to name their participation in it or to name the fact that, hey, I'm hurt because you benefit from it. And I didn't.

It takes both sides. And that's why in the beginning, the first thing I said is you can't have these conversations unilaterally. You can't have a one-sided conversation. And let me tell you something, being vulnerable is hard. It's hard. You're exposed. And people who, if I go back to the previous points, who wanna lash out, they're gonna take that as the opportunity to come get you on both sides. I can't believe you thought it was okay to hurt people 'cause of some skin, or I can't believe you didn't do anything to stop it because of your skin, right?

It requires people to be vulnerable and name it, name it. But then, like I said, then you have to admit your part two. And nobody wants to admit anything that they've done wrong. No one wants to admit that no one wants to admit human frailty. you know, I, I am I, not that I, that I, I can't even get the words out, you know, I'm sipping on this coffee, my eyes are still burning 'cause I've been up for hours. It's seven 15.

you know, like I said, I have all kinds of stories. I don't know if, if they're meaningful or they're helpful and so I typically don't like to engage in having those kinds of conversations a lot because I don't wanna come off as saying, oh, do you understand what I mean? But in the same token, my voice should be heard too, just like everybody else's voice and everybody needs to hear it. There has to be common sympathy and empathy. Not to say that people should not want to hear what the darker skinned woman is saying too, right?

Because right now they have a voice and I think it's great. They're naming it, they're being public about it. Now, the way they're going about it, like on some of these whacked out weirdo channels is a little suss, right? I was, that's an old slang term now, but I think that when you listen to some of the content, and I haven't listened in a long, long time, it's like a little bit of a dog whistle going on when they're like talking about don't trust those light-skinned women. And you know, they're, they, they're not, they don't really want you to be this, that and the other and you, your competition.

Like, I'm like, oh my gosh. But what I will say is this, when you're in your prime mating age, all women are competition. Everyone is competing. Nevertheless, no one wants to admit, you know, why there is this division. Why, you know, some are preferred, why people feel like, okay, well you know, my relationship with some of the other women might be strained just because of the way you're born or whatever it is.

I don't feel like it's some sort of badge, but I feel like also, this is what I will say, those who are darker skinned oftentimes I think, uphold some of this whole colorism because they definitely are, are in my opinion, I think helping to perpetuate the divide. We've got people out here now talking about like who is and who isn't light skinned. Like these are the conversations we're having, these are our conversations. They're like racking and stacking the light-skinned ness.

I'm like, these are the dumbest conversations so dumb. Nevertheless, going back to 0.6 and seven, in order to even have meaningful advancement or anything, people have to be willing to be vulnerable. And then they also have to be willing to take ownership. Everybody likes to use the word accountability, whatever, but you have to admit your part. I don't think people wanna do that. I don't think people wanna do that at all.

I the end of the day, I. think right now where we stand in the community is I. think people are not ready for reconciliation. I don't think they're ready for unification. I think right now people are just in this space right now where they are acknowledging their pain and hurt. They're making it public, which I don't have an issue with as far as publicly calling out where the hurt is, you know? but I also feel like the downside to that is people are given free reign to be reckless with their mouth.

All in the name of I'm hurt because of colorism in the past and in the present. Now. Those are just my both thoughts. I'm curious to think what your thoughts are. I mean, I feel like much of what I'm saying may or may not be popular, but it is what it is, right? I don't expect for people to love what I'm saying and it's gonna be unpopular. but I, I should join one of those, like the light-skinned channels or the biracial channels or whatever.

I'm not biracial, I'm gonna be honest. I really can't listen to what they're saying either, because it's like one big love fest on how we should be able to love our skin or something. I, I don't know, it's kind of weird, but, you know, but I, I understand kind of the sentiment, but to sit there on these channels and talk about that all day is, I don't know, I just, it's just kind of weird to me. but I should join in on one of those channels and figure out where are you going with this? Like, what is the plan? What is the upside and how, what have you done to dismantle this so that there isn't this great need to have dark skin and light-skinned channels, like both sides is upholding it.

It's really weird. It's so weird. So, all right. The, the, the Exodus guy, the little troll guy, okay. It's just kind of weird. all right, whatever. all right. The, the troll guy has some comments in here. I wasn't really quite paying attention, but it's not worth putting up there because I don't know, it's kind of silly. all right, that's it for me. And let me know your thoughts.

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