S4E91 What women over 40 stopped worrying about

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Transcript

Speaker 2 (0s): Good afternoon bows and bow ties. Take a look at my hair. Bam. It's like what's happening right now? What is happening? I don't know. It's called, it is what it is. So made me think about this video today. 'cause I've been chatting with people, one person in particular, and you kind of like, you know, talk about the things that you care, don't care about.

And it just made me think about doing this video about when you're like over 40 and I brought up my hair because although I do want it to look good, you know, I'm also really more concerned about like my comfort right now, my ease, my, my, all those things, right? Think. so I just wanted to talk about what we don't necessarily worry about. I wrote down a few things and I was thinking about like conforming to like society's version of like beauty right?

Now. Let me just say this. I am into myself so I feel like, hey, I still look good regardless. And I say that a little on the cheek, but the point I'm making is I was just like my hair by some people's standards, it's probably not considered done, but I felt like this was good. It was good enough, right? And I know I need to do more to it. I just haven't gotten around to it, right? but I like that, it's just wild and free. It's not quite formed.

That's why for those of you who saw my video earlier this morning, I, it was giving, I call it Mario Box, you know, because it's got that whole mushroom book. But for some reason I was just digging it. I was like, okay, we're gonna go with it. I don't know how long I'm gonna keep this hairstyle. I'm gonna keep it until I'm tired of it. But the point I'm making is what we tend to let go is conforming to everyone's beauty standard.

I remember I think it was a few weeks ago, I haven't been on TikTok as much, but I was on TikTok and I remember there was, I'm gonna assume young ladies in their twenties, whatever they were talking about, one of these 40 something women gonna stop trying to dress like us or whatever it is. And I'm sitting there thinking like, if anything, you're trying to dress like some of the 40 year olds back in the day because you're actually taking old trends, right? Forties and sixties I would say, you know, so, but the point I'm making is they were like trying to say like, people shouldn't do these things.

I'm like 40 year olds, 50 year olds, 60 year olds should do whatever the heck they want to do. They don't need a 20 something telling them how to dress. I understand the sentiment, you know, they, people always say it's not everybody who's who can put on something stupid or something, but I kind of feel like let people do what they want to do. You get this one life and now you've got the whole world tell you how you should dress I think that's the reason why even though I didn't like what Serena was doing to herself, I'm like, that's what's making her feel good right now.

I, it's not for me to like, now granted, I saw the pictures of her at the Sports Awards, ESPN, the E, the the ESPYs. I thought she looked beautiful. But the point I'm making is when you get to be over 40, you stopped caring, you really stopped caring with what everyone thinks. I would say within reason. You, you just do you your beauty standard is what it is. Whether people like it or not. Why do you think people who are 70, 80 years old don't care if they're wearing the little tight girls in their hair or they want purple hair or whatever.

It's that they got going on with their hair, right? These 80 year olds don't care. They're like, you're gonna leave me alone. I feel like the 40 somethings get to that point where they're like, you know what, this is what I'm gonna do. What I notice is a lot of times when you get to be over 40, you start thinking in terms of your health. Now, whether or not you can achieve what it is that you're looking to achieve is a separate thing, but you're more concerned about your health than trying to conform to standards. For example, most of the 40 somethings that I know, and I don't know if it's a generational thing or not, but you don't see us wearing a ton of makeup.

Not at all. If you look at the 40 somethings, most of us now, that doesn't mean we don't put on makeup or when we're going out and we wanna show up and show out. It doesn't mean that, what I'm saying is if you look at how we are moving in our daily lives, many of us are not wearing a ton of makeup. I don't think makeup is bad. But what I'm saying is when you get to be over 40, many of us are not trying to keep up with what the current standard looks like, right? You see a lot of women out there with these crazy eyebrows and like they got like 20 inch bust down hair and, and do the eyelashes and all stuff like that.

That's what the young people if they want to, but the 40 somethings, if they want to do it, they will do it too. I think primarily what 40 value in terms of, of any, if anything, is really maintaining health versus conforming to beauty. So what you're gonna find, it's not that we don't care about beauty, but you're find is that your 40 somethings are more concerned about a good skin skincare re routine versus trying to match the current beauty standards.

It doesn't mean that they don't want to match the states, but we usually just don't care. Sometimes you'll just see people like, I'm doing this, like what I've got going on with the mushroom. I don't know why I'm entertaining myself, but let's move on. You're gonna find that a lot of times, most of these 40 somethings, well I'm speaking to the 40 somethings, I can't speak to a whole lot to 50 and 60, 70 and beyond, right? Because I haven't reached that decade. We don't tend to like get a lot of approval.

My favorite thing that I like to remind people, 'cause I've heard this somewhere, is that no is a complete sentence. We don't go out of our way to ask if you like something. We don't go out of our way to explain ourselves. We don't need your approval for anything. We don't have to validate our decisions oftentimes, right? Sometimes we'll just say, Hey, I can't make it. We don't say I can't make it because I gotta do, like no, I can't make it. That's it. We don't need your approval. We don't need to make sure our answers are are palatable to you, right?

We don't seek a whole lot of approval 'cause we're tired, like we got things going on, we have life going on, you know, we got kids, we got husbands, we got ourselves, we've got careers, we've got life. you know, let me see, we tend to weed out a lot of noise. We tend to weed out a lot of noise. I think the main thing is just making sure that people understand that when you get to a certain point in your life, like you, you kind of realize the things that matter.

We don't need your, like, we don't, we don't need for you to validate our decisions. At least not most times. Lemme move on to the next thing. Relationships. I find that as I've gotten older, I've consciously cut off relationships and subconsciously cut off relationships. I feel like they're, if, if they're superficial, I don't, I'm not really all that, you know, for us to maintain or not maintain.

I, I don't, I'm not anything, I'm at the point in my life now where I don't dedicate a whole lot of cycles to things where people don't reciprocate. I reciprocate as much as you're gonna give to me. And if you're not in it, and if you're not putting in effort and I'm not talking about tons of effort, I don't feel like I need to put in effort. There are people that I haven't spoken to in a while, not because I've disliked them, but I kind of feel like if it's not a value to them, I'm not gonna keep reaching out to people, right? And it doesn't mean that these are bad people.

They're not bad people. It just means that they've got other things going on. And maybe I'm not a priority. And, and the same goes on the other side of the coin. Maybe these people aren't a priority to me, but I just kind of feel like certain relationships. I don't feel the need to try to, to like stoke that fire. you know? If you come across somebody's mind and if they care to reach out, then that's fantastic. And if they don't, that's okay too. but I just find that as I've gotten older, well I would say mine actually started really in my thirties, but, but definitely my forties.

I've cut off relationships consciously and subconsciously. I find that also my friendship circle is so much smaller. It is much smaller. There's layers to this. It's like an onion. I mean, I have my sisters, which I haven't been speaking to as much lately 'cause we've been too caught up. Love them dearly. I have, you know, my, my friend that I knew from high school and I have other, I would say I would actually call them friends and then you got relationships.

But the people closest to me, it's very, very small. And it's not because other people are bad, it's just that, you know the things that you value in people. I value really quality relationships over tons of people. I'm not opposed to meeting new people and establishing new relationships, but I'm not going outta my way to seek 'em either. They need to be organic and if I try to reach out a few times and if it's just me reaching out or if I, if I, you know, if I reach out and you don't respond, it just lets me know where your priorities are.

It doesn't mean it's good, doesn't mean it's bad. I'm not saying that this is something that's happening on a regular, but what I'm saying is it doesn't mean people are bad people. I just feel like as I've gotten older, I don't need to stoke the fire and, and, and keep these embers glowing, growing, glowing. I can't even get the words out when maybe people might just wanna down the fire. I don't know. It's just not something that I want to spend cycles or mentor cycles doing. I find that even, like I said, down to my relationships, you know, not having all these superficial relationships, I find like even my discussions become more meaningful with people, the ones that are closer to me, we have more meaningful discussions.

you know, I'm not interested in constantly having to have these superficial relationships and superficial discussions that don't mean anything and don't get you anywhere I think I I tend to match the level of effort of what people are giving to me. Good lord. all right, number four, I did this all out of order. One of the things I do not do is chase perfection.

Oh Lord Jesus I think the thing is, when I talk about what's going on in my life to people that I have relationships with, I try to be honest. I'm not saying I divulge all of my business, right? I have honest discussions about the things that frustrate me, the things that make me happy. I talk about my children mostly good stuff, you know. but I also like, to be honest about my children too, I noticed that so many people are always covering for their kids as far as like now not allowing them to grow up, not allowing them to make mistakes because I feel like they, they think like if their children make mistakes, it makes them look like bad parents.

I'm like, not at all I think children make mistakes. I I like to not chase that whole perfect thing. I mean, you wanna be the best person you can be, but I also know that I can't be a hundred percent all the time, right? And I know that there are times when I am trying to be a hundred percent with my family, there's something that may fall off, right? I can't be a hundred percent all the time to everyone. I just cannot.

There's just not enough need to go around. Let me see, what was I saying? Oh, you know what I've learned too? Like, as I've gotten older, I've learned to really just say, especially at 40, over 40, I don't know, I don't have to hear the answers. Somebody asked me something that works for, they were like, is this okay for blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, I know I dunno, I'll get you an answer.

I dunno. It doesn't mean that I'm an idiot. It means I literally don't know the answer to that. Somebody actually happened to know the answer that was more senior than me. I was like, I, I but I just think that I look at like what happens in Holly Beard and like how people feel the pressure to remain perfect all the time. And then when they're no longer working on a movie or whatever, they get themselves all out of outta shape. And then when they gotta get back like on a movie ready, movie ready, they have to be perfect all the time.

And the luxury of not having to worry about that is amazing. I don't have to be a hundred percent all the time. It look, it goes hair, you know? So like, I just feel like I am out of no way to chase perfection anymore because I recognize I cannot be perfect for people all the time. Not doing it, can't do it. And then the last thing I wanna talk about, I actually learned this from someone maybe five years ago.

I'm trying to remember maybe more six, maybe more than six might be seven, eight years ago. This woman, I should text her actually. She said something to me that made me pause. It's so simple. you know what she said to me? She said, you guys have may have heard this before. I had never heard this. She said to compare is to despair and that I forgotten.

And basically like we have to get past comparing ourselves, whether it's our parenting, our career, our body, our looks, our relationships, whatever. Because you will find that you will always fall short of somebody, right? You never know what's going on with people. And I've learned that like I just have to live within my own situation, my own situation. There are gonna be people who are gonna be smarter, prettier, more successful, I don't know, have a, i i, wealthier, I don't know, whatever that is.

There's always gonna be someone who's gonna be whatever it is. And I just kind of feel like if I, if I compared myself to everyone all the time, I would never be happy. I've had to really, really learn what Joy really met. And I felt like as I've gotten older, my joy was not centered around money.

It wasn't centered around any of like the traffics, right? I remember I used to sit out on my front porch when it would rain until it started coming sideways and hitting me. you know, it was the whole situation, you know, I felt like I was being attacked by the rain. but I love sitting out and enjoying the rain. I love the fall and I like watching the sunsets and I was just like, just thankful. but I could just do that. And, and, and it was peaceful and I would hear the birds chirping and I was like, thank God I don't have to sit in a war torn country in fear for my life if I step outside my front stoop and not have to worry about bullets flying.

Or even like in, in the hood, I remember I was just happy when just sitting around the table with my kids and my husband. And I don't know what we were talking about. I mean, we were just, I don't know what we were talking about, like the way my son was chewing or so, I don't know. It was like the dumbest conversation. but I remember, like, there was just so many things I enjoyed and I, I was just happy. I was just happy, like super, super happy.

And you know, I look around and I see that my kids are healthy. I mean, healthy is relative, right? I'm, I'm just, I just love them and I love my husband, you know? So when I was thinking about joy, I find that as I've gotten, I'm 47 years old and you know, I'm not as fine as I used to be, but you know, I'm still like into myself, right? With my mushroom hair. But I was just kind of like, you know, I'm just happy to be where I am now when I talk about happy, you know how everybody's like to post things on social media.

I'm not on Facebook or anything like that. And it's always about taking a trip or doing a season. Don't get me wrong, we do those things too. but I am happiest when I'm home with my kids and I'm happiest. Like my family knows, I like to like candles. I, I don't know what it is. I like candles and I like the way to smell. And if I don't smell 'em, I don't care. I just like to see them. I like to lay eyes on the candle, but I just, oh, okay.

I don't know what happened, but this is a whole situation. Okay? I'm back. I got a weird call and it disrupted my life. But I'm just happy to be in a situation where, just for today, I know that we all have good health. My joy wasn't centered around how much money I had. It wasn't sending around any of this stuff But. anyway, she just said to compare it to despair.

If you're comparing your children to other children, like other children may do some great things, but then there's a cost that comes with it. you know, I just like the fact that I, I know the things that we value. I like the fact that my kids are happy over some of the simplest things. I like the fact that we don't teach our kids labels, although they have labels, right? They just wear stuff And. they, they're just happy. They're just happy. And I think the biggest thing was learning not to compare yourself to others on any way, shape, or form.

I've learned that people's opinions don't matter. They don't matter. Anyway, I just wanted to just throw those things out there about when you're over 40 and you know that that's it. you know, this probably is not the most exciting video, to be honest. I don't care about what's going on in the media right now. Much of it's not interesting to me. I made comments on some of the things, but right now I just happen to be in this space where I, I had been taking time away from some of the social media because it was a lot of the same things.

I don't feel like listening to a whole bunch of people get on somebody's like stage and talk about why they're matter are black woman and black women matter. Black men and black black men want someone who's I, I I don't care. you know, I don't wanna hear about that. I don't wanna hear about the, the pow pow situation of 45. I don't wanna talk about anybody who just recently died. I just wasn't in that space. I just, I, I just wasn't there. So, alright, I hope that somebody enjoyed something in this.

If not, it's okay. you know, I'm just here yammering because I, I wanted to have a good one, leave a comment and of course subscribe.

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