S4E94 Can we talk about marriage for a second?

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): All right. Bows and bow ties. Ugh. you know, I always got a sinus situation in the morning. So look, I wanna talk about marriage for a second. So I had time this morning. I knew I was going in a little later. It's about 6 48 while I am en route to work. And I was on TikTok and I did not know all this was going on. There was an article, I can't remember where that came out. And it was on Ballerina Farms. Now, for those of you who don't know who Ballerina Farms is, I'm gonna give you a quick synopsis and there's people out there that can tell this story better.

Ballerina Farms is a woman who grew up in, I believe it was Utah, got accepted into Julliard, and she was a ballerina, okay? Or she was studying ballet or dance or whatever, and she met her now husband. And the story behind it is a little crazy. but nevertheless, she met her husband, he wanted to marry her And. they wound up getting married after a short period of time of dating.

Now I'm leaving out some stuff in between, okay? Now I would like to call out that, and I hate to say this, but I think it's relevant. They are both Mormon. That is my understanding. So, you know, I guess that plays into some of the things about being home, being a housewife, raising children. Now, I know there are other Mormons out there, don't necessarily subscribe to that, but nevertheless, this is the lifestyle that they've created. This woman always wanted to be a ballerina.

She was pressured into getting married early to this guy, and within a few months she was pregnant with their first of eight children. So, let me just say this. For those of you who don't know, to get accepted into Giliard as like a pianist or a dancer or whatever, you know, for the arts, it is an amazing accomplishment. It's like my understanding, it's like they're Harvard and it's really difficult. You have to be talented to get into the school. And I've seen some comments somewhere.

I cannot verify this, that she was accepted on a full ride. I don't know if that's true. What I will say is the fact that she was, they, they met at Julliard and then he wanted her to get married. They, they, and, and to have these babies, they have this farm. Now, what I need to point out is the guy that she married is the son of one of the, I believe it was one of the owners or partners of JetBlue, okay? And basically there's this brand that is created around this woman where it's called Ballerina Farms, and she's just home with the kids making homemade meals and raising children, and, and she's on a farm.

Well, the, this, this article came out and I gotta remember, I can't remember where it came out. And the article came out and the person who wrote this article, and apparently there are videos that that somewhat confirmed this, this woman looks beat down. So on the one hand, she has this brand, this image of Ballerina Barnes, of just like being home and loving raising the children, this, that, and the other. But when they got to the meat of it, she saw her life differently.

In this interview, she saw herself being a dancer. you know, she saw herself doing other things. And. they were talking about how like heat speaks for her and all these other things. Where am I going with this whole marriage thing? Let me tell you something. This was basically a lot of people were circling back to the whole tribe wife scenario. And I say this, number one, everyone feels sorry for this, this woman.

I do think that she probably feels trapped in a marriage, but who knows, right? I think she's probably trapped in her marriage. But I think we need to be honest. She was a, a participant. This woman was a participant in the decisions that she made, okay? She chose to marry this man early. She chose to have I. think she's 34 now and she has eight children.

She, I, I don't think she completed her last year, but I saw a video of her and I was like, boy, she was amazing. They were showing clips of her dancing for the cows and stuff like that. And I'm like, she's a beautiful dancer. And you can tell she was super happy. And that article, she now keep in mind, this is a wealthy family that she married into. And she, in the article, said that there was an, a barn or a room or something that was supposed to be her dance studio.

And even that was taken, that was converted into like a playroom or a school room for the kids or something for her kids. And this is the thing, you guys have seen me post videos before. I talk about having agency in yourself. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a stay at home mom or, but some people will say tread life depending on how you slice this, right? I think if you are a true feminist, that is a choice.

I think you have to be a willing participant if that's the case. I think, I'm just guessing. I can't speak for her entirely. I can only go by what clips I've seen and what I have read in that article. I feel like there could be some buyer's remorse. Sorry, my sinuses are, you know, doing what they like to do. But I think there could be some buyer's remorse because on the one hand, I'm sure she wanted to be a dutiful wife and have children and, and live according to her Mormon values and such like that.

But in the same token, she wanted to dance, she wanted to be a ballerina. I'm sure she probably even wanted to teach ballet. Where I'm going with the marriage thing is this, a lot of these demoing out here have this notion of what they think marriage looks like. They think it's, this is women's work. And what they don't seem to understand is marriage is a partnership.

It is a partnership. I, I don't understand why many especially men think that roles should be frozen in time. Now, are there these soft boundaries around roles of men and women? Yes, I don't knock those roles, but I think that many of the men right now are taking these, these so-called men's roles and women's roles and they're etching them in concrete.

I don't think they understand that you have to evolve with the times, right? Women want more for themselves other than raising children. Now, keep in mind, I was on both sides of the coin. I was a working professional. I met my husband, we started having children. And, and keep in mind I have my, my oldest with my oldest dad first, okay?

We could not make that work. but I had three with my husband. And with that being said, I was a stay at home mom for about three years. It was the best and worst time of my life. It was the best and the worst time of my life. I ultimately returned to work and it was the best decision for our family. Unit one, it brought in more income. And my husband is a higher earner, but four kids is still four kids.

Two, it wasn't that I wanted to work. It was more on the lines of I did not want to stay home. Three, I liked the mental challenge, the mental stimulation. Four, I liked having this identity other than my husband's wife. They would call me by his name. So-and-so's wife, that drove me crazy. I'm like, I have a full on name.

I found that people, when they were talking to me, they were talking down to me as if like I was like his trophy. It was his arm piece. I was just something that, and I'm sitting there thinking like I'm a whole profess I was because I had a whole profession. I felt more insecure when I was a stay at home mom. Then when I would return to work. Now, did I have some mommy guilt? I sure did. Sometimes I still do. But what I will say is my husband and I had a conversation and my dreams and, and, and my feelings had to be considered.

And don't get me wrong, believe it or not, he saw the benefit of me going back to work too. 'cause although he was taking care of us perfectly fine, I mean we had to pull back, right? It, it gave us flexibility. I think what we're seeing play out Valerie Barnes, based off what video clips I've seen and what has been written, I'm not in her life. And based off of her body language was, you know, it seems like she's lost agency in herself.

The way this man speaks for her. Like she has no time. Like she wants to dance. This woman wants to dance, honestly. And she's not allowed to have like nanny help with all those kids. They, they talk about in an article how he's like sometimes she's so tired that she can't get out of the bed for a week, for a whole week. I think the people who are paying attention to this video, you need to understand marriage is a partnership.

It's not a dictatorship. There's nothing better than when a partner on either side gets to witness their partner, their significant other secede or have happiness or accomplish something. There were times when my husband knew that there were certain things I needed to do for myself and he had to get out of the way.

I think. A lot of times people think submission looks a certain way. They think a woman's role looks a certain way. People will take one little piece outta the Bible and not the entire context. They don't understand at the end of the day, women need to have agency in themselves. Marriage is a partnership. There could be a really only one head, right? But check this out, most men are gonna let women do what they need to do anyway in the marriage because women are the backbone of the marriage.

Anyway. Now I know I'm gonna trigger some people. It's okay, be triggered. My husband is the, the household, but like I pretty much run the house, right? He doesn't really get in the way of that 'cause there's no need. The house is running, but there are times when he's running the household. 'cause I'm like, I don't have it. I don't have it today. Oh shoot, I wanted to go there. Darn it. I was gonna go stop and grab some chicken minis from Chick-fil-A All right, I'm just gonna have to go to this other place and just get toast and cheese and bacon and egg.

That's right. We'll do this But. anyway, I think that's what people need to get, they need to understand that. And that's what's not being conveyed. I think people are idealizing this notion of being a tra wife. And that's the amount of work that goes into being that. I remember I stayed home for three years. I wasn't even a tread life per se, a stand hold on those three years. I was so exhausted with those kids and my kids were in daycare still too, trying to run a house and come on all these kids.

I was just like, this isn't for me. I would hide out in a closet. I'd be upset just taking care of everyone else. And you don't have time for yourself. My husband and I had a, an agreement when the twins came along. The agreement was when he came home from work, I, I forgot what the timeframe was. I wanna say it was like five to eight or four to seven. I, I don't know, maybe it was four to seven.

I don't remember the timeframe for four to seven or whatever the timeframe was. I was off the clock to go do what I needed to do. Sometimes I wanted to just go to the store, peace. I would go to Target and just walk around and do nothing or whatever it was. But when, when I had all those kids, I remember we would be like four to seven. I was off the clock. And really what it, what happened in that timeframe, it wasn't that I needed all three hours. I needed some time to myself.

And he came home and he managed the kids. And then what would end up happening is even if I was only like an hour or an hour and a half, I would still come back in and help out. But he honored that timeframe that I needed for myself. And then what happened was, because I was home with those kids and that night there was a timeframe where we would say, okay, and I think it was like 10 o'clock or something like that, right? I just let 'em go to bed and just sleep because he would get up early in the morning or whatever like that. And I tried not to have him up in the middle of the night, but he would still get up and help sometimes 'cause it was just too many kids.

I had my one child. He was like, I want daddy. Well, he wasn't talking but he always wanted to be held by him. He was one and a half or whatever was, I had the twins, like the one kid just wanted to be held by daddy all the time. And you know, he just like, eh daddy. And so he had to walk around with him. I had the twins and my oldest was like getting his sleep on. Why did I get in this lane? I didn't need to be in this lane. But the point I'm making was I have four kids, three of them under a year and a half.

And we had to form a partnership. It wasn't, oh this is women, a women's role. There were times when he was like, okay, we're, we're, we're outnumbered here. I got a kid, I got one of kids, he was feeding the kid 'cause I pumped didn didn't like breastfeeding us. I pumped all the milk and we had plenty of milk. So he's feeding the kid, I'm feeding the kid, they're crying. I'm like, why can't you stop? you know, it was a partnership. It wasn't like this is a woman's job, this is a woman's role.

I don't know, I just kind of wanna say like a lot of these people are idealizing this notion of a child life and stay at home mom. And like I said, I've been on both sides of the coin and it was the best and the worst time of my life. I was like, this isn't for me. Marriage is a partnership and we have to stop thinking that we are going to freeze in time. These so-called roles of men and women, I think those boundaries are a little softer because the times have changed.

I generally think there are so-called men and women's roles, but in the same token, see BR kid, I didn't even know you. What are you saying? Are you messing with me? I can't read that. 'cause you know I'm driving so you know, I don't wanna kill myself. But it's up there on the screen. I think it says all you needed was, I can't read it. That says a slur. Oh, a five hour energy, a cappuccino and a pack of donut. you know what that, that's where probably true but I think the thing that people are not understanding is like a lot of people have this notion of what a traditional home looks like and having these women in these women roles.

And I do think in general loosely there are male and female roles, but I also think that you have to move along with the times. And I think when we start prescribing everyone into certain things and we, we etch them in concrete, that's where we run into these, these issues. And so now you got people out here on the internet fighting over what's feminine, masculine and all this silly stuff. And at the end of the day, why is my car like beeping? So they don't wanna let me over?

And I'm like, what is your problem? I got plenty of time. So anyway, the point I'm making is I'll just ride it all the way up and then she's gonna be mad. Anyway, I, I just feel like at this point people don't even recognize that marriage is a partnership. Okay, what is up with that car up there just swerving around everybody that, that person might be high. I don't know what's happening in that red car. Anyway, what did you say? If it's a, is it okay if I make my wife take out the trash?

It sure is. Well you can't make anybody do anything. But let me tell you something. Even though I have 500 kids and a husband and a neither cat, sometimes I take out the trash because it needs to be done. Now do I do it most of the time? No. I usually complain. I know my trash needs to be taken out because we have, everybody has to participate, right? Everybody's gotta walk, right? but I feel like it's a partnership. Like it's the most ridiculous thing for people to say, oh, I can't take out the trash because I'm a woman. I'm like, well what would you do if you weren't married?

What would you do if you were single? Are you not gonna take out the trash just like men if you were single, what are you gonna do? Not cook for yourself. Well maybe you'll just go, I don't go out to eat every day. That's fine. If you have the funds to do that, that's fine. I just feel like it is the most ridiculous thing speaking there are things that are being done in my house that might be consider male or female. For example, I do all the laundry for my husband and I, my kids do their own laundry now. But let me tell you what doesn't happen. My husband does majority of the cooking now.

He likes to do it. I can cook more things, but he is actually a better cook. So I let him cook. He does a lot of the manual labor stuff outside. I'm like, I'm not about that live. You can pay somebody or it's not getting it done. I'm not doing it right. But then there's other things, I mean like, so that's considered more masculine, right? But what I'm making is all these people are getting out here on the internet sounding stupid. Half of 'em don't even have a relationship that can hold water anyway.

Talk about what they want out of a woman or out of a man. Especially all these blacked out weirdos getting on these podcasts, talking about what they want out of a woman. I'm like, you are literally talking about you want a traditional woman and you're not even traditional. I'm like, and times have changed. You can barely afford yourself. So you think that you're gonna get this. So-called traditional wife, why would you want to sign up for your shenanigans? And then her quality of life is actually gonna go down if she's going based off what you're saying you want. No sir. Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there.

I'm like, fuck. Marriage is a partnership. There are so-called roles. Yes now, but I put ear marks around it because those boundaries are gonna shift a little bit. The times have changed and people are out here being completely delusional thinking that this is what they want. A woman is very di like a dictatorship and, and right now they're creating this divide because women are like, well I don't wanna reduce my standard of living now. I wanna be able to do these things. I wanna be able to actualize my goals and dreams and all that other stuff.

And I feel, who was this promising ballerina? That's where I started off in, in, in this live. And now she's like, hook went into this scenario with her husband, with all these kids and carrying on and really she just wanted to dance. She was at Julliard. but I can only be, I can only feel but so sorry for her because she was a willing participant she signed up for, and I tell everybody, you need to have agency in herself.

That's where I'm at with it. all right now I gotta, when I get into work, I gotta send a CBR kid a crazy chap message. 'cause he is like totally showing me today. all right, let me get off of the phone 'cause I will be at work shortly, but I'm gonna stop and get myself some toast. Bacon, egg and cheese. Did I say that backwards? A bacon, egg and cheese on toast. Wheat toast. 'cause I didn't bring any food for myself this morning. I don't have any yogurt. Go ahead and subscribe.