S4E108 Can we talk about black femininity?

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Mr. Pick Me & The Manhater

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• 27:19 (Cont.) S4E108 Can we talk about black femininity?

Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): Our all right, bows and bow ties. I just wanna say it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. And the reason why I can say that is because I can breathe to that. I took the right medication, I took the Zyrtec or the No Frills version yesterday. I took a Claritin. I was all kinds of messed up. My face was balled up, my sinuses were balled up. Everything was bad. I got the windows down. The air feels good. Thank you. Almost all, but not really. It's 54 degrees, right? 55 degrees, something like that. Outside right now the air is airing.

So yes. So before I start talking about what I wanna talk about, can I just say the shrinkage is real? I know I need to do something with my hair. I just haven't decided what I'm gonna do yet. I know I've been wearing this same style for about a week, week and a half now, about a week or so. Look, you know, I got stuff going on, so I guess I shouldn't roll up the window so there isn't so much background noise. And I will do, well, let me, let me do this.

all right, AC on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. all right, so I wanna talk about femininity for a second. And people seems to be hyperfocused on black femininity. On the one hand, you've got men trying to tell women how to be feminine. I'm like, you don't get to tell women how to be feminine, right? You get to tell them what you like. It doesn't mean they're gonna follow. You've got women who have, it's like a whole big grift.

You've got women out here. Where do I begin? Okay, let's just start with, let's get the men out the white, and I'll focus on the women part. You've got men who are talking about how they want feminine women. The problem is they are feminine. The men are feminine. And so they want women to be more feminine than they are. And I'm like, wait a second, why can't you focus on getting the men together, checking the men, check the men.

That's what's going on. Now I'm getting ready to say something that's a little inflammatory, and I know you guys are gonna be mad, but I want you to lean in for a second. Now, look, you are not gonna like this, but dude that look like me, like outside of sports or something, y'all just underperform collectively on a whole, like worse than everybody all the time. You're last in everything, right?

And I, I say this, I'm being a little bit shady, but there's a little bit of love there too. Meaning like you are always last to get on board with something because I feel like there's so much low self-esteem and and wanting to be something else other than what you are. And so you're subscribing to ideals that don't suit you, and you're easily influenced. They always say when you want to get people on your side, you try to go after some of the poorest people, right?

You give them a cause. You give them their cause, give them their family union, right? That's why you have gangs. That's, that's why you have like these large groups of people in these like pockets around the world where they're part of like a jihadist movement or whatever, right? You give some of the most worst off people or whatever. Or you indoctrinate them with something and then the rest is history. And, they typically are a lot of brown people. Now look, I don't think women should be listening to men on how to be feminine.

There is no man really, and I say this tongue in cheek is exceptions every rule, but men can't tell you how to be feminine. They can tell you what they're attracted to, but half the time they don't even understand what they're attracted to. It's like they want women to be hyper-feminine because they are feminine. So it's like, well, where can women go? Well be more feminine because I don't know how to be masculine, whatever that means, right? So this is why I find these channels be ridiculous when men are talking about how women should be feminine.

They should be focused on how to be masculine. I don't know why men are so hyper-focused on femininity, especially black women's femininity. It's so weird and creepy. I don't understand this. I didn't grow up like that. None of the men that I knew growing up were focused on women's femininity. They were more focused on being men. Now I'm just calling the thing a thing. Now, don't get mad at me.

Get mad at somebody else and argue with yourself. So for people to get out here now, a lot of it's for clicks and views. A lot of it's because they wanna be inflammatory. And that way it gets people talking. But there's a reason why there's so many men out here talking about femininity. And I'm like, what do you know about femininity? Unless you're practicing, and even still, you can only do but so much, right? You can only impersonate feminity so much. But so I, before I get on the women, I just wanna like wrap up the men's portion.

It is really weird and creepy that you have these large groups of men getting out here on Jesus's internet talking about black femininity. These men, I'm gonna make my points clear again. Number one, they should be focused on how to be masculine and however you wanna define masculinity. Stop being weird. And Piper, focusing on black femininity. Two, I think my feminine is because they already are feminine, more feminine to be, appear to be masculine.

When I was growing up, like I never really saw the men have to say, oh, I like, I've never, they just were like, they just took care of the families. I'm not saying we didn't have dysfunction in my family because I have a whole dysfunctional pa. The dysfunction is real, just like the shrinkage is real on my hair, okay? So I'm not saying that we didn't have dysfunction. We have all, look, I have all kinds of stories about my dysfunctional family, but nevertheless, they never focused on telling women how to be feminine.

They were more focused on how, I guess they never actually named it, but being masculine. So it's really weird and creepy that I see like these guys out here putting out this content. I'm like, why are you hyper-focused on black femininity? It shouldn't be because if you were focused on your masculinity, you wouldn't have time for femininity. Usually when you have a purpose for something, you don't have time for the the, the extraneous, right?

You don't have time for it. So stop talking about it. Okay? So now that I finish going on and on about the men, I wanna focus on the lemon for a second because y'all are really clowning. Hold on, let me set my coffee. If you tell I'm feeling good about myself, I've got some like menthol rub on my nose and yeah, I can breathe. So listen, the women out here need to stop. I feel like number one, I feel like what we're doing is we're not really talking about the essence of femininity.

We are almost cosplaying some ridiculous ideal of femininity, right? So if you notice many of the women, they want to give this appearance of being soft and friendly. So you'll see them talk like this and you never raise their voice. And, they tend to talk like, like a robot, in my opinion. And so this is the thing, I don't think femininity is synonymous with sounding like this.

Now there are women who sound that way, right? And there are, believe it or not, there are times in my natural voice, 'cause I feel like I'm yelling and my natural voice, I may sound like that, but I, I don't go out of my way to talk like this. It's so weird. Like, you know, and my natural voice is actually deeper in my opinion, right? Even though I feel like I'm talking normal, but like, obviously I'm trying to make a point.

I'm, I'm making a lot of declaratives and that type of thing. But the point I'm making is when you are telling women that they have to be a certain way, it just sounds like we want you to be something other than who you are because what you are is not good enough. So the thing that makes you, you, the way you talk or anything like that. Now I can understand if you're saying like you don't wanna always be compatible all the time. That I, I would agree with that, right?

Like, I don't typically like to get into a whole lot of arguments with men. I mean, we can debate a topic, but even still, I don't like arguing with men. And I'm gonna tell you the reason why. One, if we had to yell, which you shouldn't have to yell, but I don't think yelling is always bad in an argument, but it just means most people aren't gonna hear you if you're trying to make a point. But if you have to yell, I'm not gonna compete with the base of a man's voice, right? Like, I can't compete with that. I'm not gonna be able to out yell them.

I don't want to. Number two, I just, it's just kind of weird. like you wanna just argue all time. I don't like, I just don't wanna do that. But you've got women out here in these streets telling women, so don't argue with men, which I, I agree with that, but like, and you have to talk like this almost as if you have to make yourself very demure, very cutesy. For those of you who know why I said that, that that trend that's going on, it's almost like you have to make yourself a non threat as much as possible.

So what you're doing is like, you wanna make yourself small, you wanna like make your voice sound almost childlike Sometimes I don't agree with that. I feel like just talk, okay? You don't have to attack, but you can talk. I'm pretty sure most people when they're listening to me, so I don't have a high pitched voice, but you can tell the difference between my voice and like my husbands or another guy like, Hey, good morning. you know, whatever, right? You can tell a difference. I don't have to walk around and talk like this.

Number one, it does not serve me to be that way every day, even though when I'm speaking in meetings, I'm, I'm obviously pro a little bit more demure than most people because I find that when I'm speaking more like this, men will listen. But I don't have to talk like this just because I think the pitch of my voice sounds different than most men in a meeting, right? So oftentimes if I'm speaking, you might hear so like, I'm not trying to sound like a child, but I will take it down to a level so that they can hear me. but I don't wanna talk like this.

And breathy that is the most ridiculous thing. That is not necessarily femininity. Number two, the women who are out there for the person who's joining in late, I already got on about the weirdo men being hyperfocused on it and my reasons why, but I'm talking about the women now with the women. So I talked about the boys, this is the other thing that I'm noticing. I'm noticing that black femininity is so rooted in European beauty standards and it's so weird.

So for example, if you notice all the ones who are having these conversations, they all look the same. They all got the same bust down wig, the same makeup, and the, the eyebrows and the lashes and all, everybody has to look the same. So what they're doing is they're creating this aesthetic that says if you wanna be considered beautiful and feminine and all these other things, you must look like this. And you must have a bust down wig weave or whatever it is, right? Their concept of glam, you would not see them put on like a kinky or wear kinky frow or like even kinky hair extensions or kinky whatever, right?

They're not doing that. Okay? I may or may not get some sketchy like service for like the next mile or so because I'm taking a back road is really pretty back here, by the way. So their concept of what they're saying femininity is, it's something that now all of these women are trying to ascribe to that doesn't fit they're natural features anyway. Women are out here wearing blonde wigs. And now before you guys come for me and say like, well the original people in Africa, they have blonde hair too.

That is correct. But most of the people in the phenotype of a typical black American or black person worldwide, the typical phenotype of a black person is not one with blonde hair. Let's be for real, and we're gonna call it thing a thing. So yes, I know light skin, different hair textures, different colors and everything came from black people, but the average black person does not have blonde hair.

And I'm not saying you can't have blonde hair. So now you've got women out here burning up all their hair. Women have no edges now, I mean we gotta talk about edge gate in a second, but like they have no edges out here with all these bust down wigs trying to compete for a population of men that look like them, that don't want what they are anyway. They don't want that anyway, right? You are trying to compete like a European standard.

They want something more European that's not you. You need to go ahead and compete with yourself. like you need to be the standard for the men who are okay with who you are. So for example, I understand if you're trying to get like some, some athlete or something, right? A lot of them are already mentally conquered, so we're not gonna go there, right? But yes, they're looking for a certain aesthetic, I get it. But if you're looking for a guy that actually likes women who look like you focus on looking like you, so you got all these women out here having all these femininity channels telling you that you have to talk like this, and then they're having, like if you look at the aesthetic that they're promoting, right?

Keep in mind people are gonna complain that, oh, black men don't want black women's natural looks. I do think that's true by the way, help that they're also promoting the very same thing that they really wanna run away from. They're trying to, they're promoting black women are beautiful. Only when you have a 24 inch bust down weave or wig or whatever and your lashes look like plates and you are wearing 25 pounds of makeup.

Now, for the record, I wanna make sure I, I say this clearly so I'm not sounding like a hypocrite. I also think that is beautiful too. But what's happening is this notion of femininity is being co-opted by a particular aesthetic. So it's, it's, I chose to have that conversation while my hair is all twisted up. I don't know, right? Like the shrinkage is real. It doesn't mean that I can't go get my hair professionally done and and wear it straight.

I haven't done that in probably two or three years to be honest. you know, I'm terrible at doing my home hair. I mean I'm okay, but I need to get a professional down. The point I'm making is these black femininity channels, it's like the biggest grip. What they're doing is they're playing off of all of these women's insecurities. You got women out here edgeless. I mean it's like truly like educated. It's like an epidemic. I'm calling it edge gate, educate what happened to the edges. It's like Marco Polo, I mean we gotta come up with a name for the edges, but it's gonna be called micro polo.

I dunno. So like, this is what's happening now. So now they're telling you to talk like this, which is not even in your natural voice. Don't be argumentative. I get that. Like, I don't feel like arguing all the time. Maybe it's because I'm old, worn out. I don't know. I'm 48, but, so this car is just gonna act like he doesn't see me trying to like merge. I'm like, move your hind parts over. Don't be a jerk. all right, I digress. So now there's that.

So these women are out here playing on black women and their insecurities, they're playing out here on their insecurities. So then this is the thing that throws me off. We sit here and we are the curators of culture. We start trends and everything else. And instead of like embracing who we are, we're trying to be something else. And then the, the something else is actually co-opting what we've got going on in our culture.

Check this out. I was actually watching something on another podcast. It was so funny. I think it was, was it the two white ladies? I like to watch I think it was on the iPad and podcast. I can't remember. I, they cracked me up And. they, no, maybe this wasn't them. I don't know what podcast it was, but it was a white woman and she brought up a point. She said, you know, in white women world, it's really interesting how like we would never be caught out in a full wig. So they just do the hair extensions, right?

I mean, I see people all the time with hair extensions. I don't think it's a big deal, but in black culture it's almost as if like, like they're trying to do the very things that, how do I explain this? The very things that we've started with the wigs and the weaves and the tapers and everything like that, they're doing it too. They don't realize we've already started that whole trend and it's been, actually, this thing has been going on for years. It's been done in Africa, it's been done in Europe. Everybody thinks that Europe is the only one wearing wigs. Africa, in Africa.

They were wearing wigs long, long time ago. But it's not just that. It's like I noticed, like if you go online, I actually saw this actually morph. Black women have been lining their lips for years with their makeup, right? My mom was doing that for years. Years, okay. And now all of a sudden, I remember last year there was an an, an Asian lady got on and said like, you should not be lining your lips and don't be like black woman. I wish I could find that clip I saw on TikTok. And now I see all the white women and everybody else out here lying their lips, they're doing the lip stain, peeling it off, lying the lips.

And I'm like, I just feel like black women don't even understand. Like, oh my goodness. like you create this culture and you're trying to run away from your culture. You created this batty aesthetic, right? People went and bought bodies to match this aesthetic. They wanted to have a tiny waist and the hips and, and don, and that's a cool term. We haven't, I haven't used that word in like, forever. you know, the, the, the, the curvature in, you know, in the back area, you know the situation that was happening in the back.

All of that was happening and you had it naturally then you had to go ruin it and get BBLs. And now I, I don't know I think I digressed. Let me, let me reel this back in the point I was making was black women who are out here on the internet talking about femininity are trying to, number one, they're, they're telling you to talk a certain way. They're telling you basically they're, they're creating this aesthetic that is so ridiculous, which is completely exclusive, right?

They're basically showing you better than they can tell you that the way to femininity is a bust down with a ton of makeup and eyelashes, And, they all look the same. Look at how those housewives look. All of them, every single one of them, their notion of glam is not themselves. Their notion of glam is if I over contour my nose and make it smaller and get my weave, that's beautiful. My, my situation is not beautiful, but something else is.

And that's what they're promoting. And then instead of saying, Hey, femininity looks like a lot of things, it looks like it's, you know, bust downs because I think there's beautiful too. There's nothing wrong with a bus down. I just have a problem. When you're promoting that as the standard for femininity, but instead of saying who you are and what you look like, that's also feminine, right? You have other things going for yourself other than your ability to lose your edges.

I just feel like they are playing on the insecurities, on, on women I think it's one of the biggest grifts out there. They're telling you, oh, and let me tell you, quiet as it's kept, I want you to listen to this black femininity channels. I feel like it's also exclusive because it's almost like promoting the woman who has access to disposable funds.

I want you to look that one sink in for a second. Because if you look at how they want you to decorate your home and you have to travel, like you guys listen to me travel a lot or talk about traveling a lot, right? Well, I saved up my three pennies, you know, put 'em in a piggy bank and we work certain things and then we break open the piggy bank to travel. But that is a hobby of mine. but I also and cognizant that that's something that you need like a couple of extra dollars of disposable money. That is not everyone's reality.

So I'm gonna make this clear. But when you look at what they're promoting, it is very expensive to be feminine. And I'm sitting here thinking like, we need to stop because I look at whether you're in the hood or whether you're in the suburbia or whether you're in the country. Femin, femininity looks like a lot of things. It looks like a lot of things, but I don't like what's being promoted out there. So then when I circling back to the men, when they're talking about black women need to be more feminine, I'm like, what do you know about femininity?

What do you know about femininity? you know what you like or what you're attracted to, but what can you talk to about the essence of femininity? Femininity is not something that you achieve by saying, okay, I cut my bust down and I did this like, and now you checked all the boxes and now you're feminine. Because I can go get my hair professionally done, blown out, adding some, I don't know, hair tracks or whatever and do all those things and can put on all the makeup in the world. And if depending on the environment, I can still be perceived as lacking in femininity.

I wanna make it clear, and I'll give you an example. I work in a very male dominated field and depending on my energy level, it depends on how hard I want to go hard for a particular topic. So last week, a coworker of mine, he made me laugh and he was like, Hey, I noticed that you're not speaking up in the meetings lately. I said, I'm tired.

I I, I don't like to argue. I don't, I very rarely wanna do that type of thing. I can tell you what, what the question, what the thing was, right? And, and then I'm gonna bore you. I'll, I'll, I'll explain in a minute. Long story short, we were working on requirements, okay? And people were getting wrapped around the axle. They were making this very emotional requirements and requirements are not emotional. And then they were talking about KPIs. So those of you who are not familiar with a KPI in engineering world or any, it doesn't even mean engineering.

A KPI is a key performance indicator. So long story short, they were like, we need to have KPIs or this, that and the other. And I'm looking at this and I'm like, that's not a KPI. So after a week, 'cause I never said anything to me. 'cause I don't wanna be bothered. I'm like, look, you like it, I love it. I look 'cause you're not gonna listen to anyone. Someone mentioned to me, And, they said, Hey, why didn't you say something? I know, you know what it is. I'm like, I don't feel like arguing with these people. So the following week, which was this past week, I said something in a meeting. So this is when I know I may or may not be perceived as feminine.

And at this point in time, it won't matter what I'm wearing, what my hair looks like or whatever. I said in the meeting, I said, I think we need to take a step back because we are conflating the difference between a metric and a KPI And. they were like, well these are KPIs. I'm like, that is not a KPI. And I had to explain the difference between a metric and a KPI, do, you know, this was jaw dropping, okay? They were like, I mean mouth was a gate, A gate all the way a gate. So what happened was people looked at me and then they wanted to ignore it, and then I just sat back and then they came up again to me.

I said, that is not a KPI. Now, the first time I said it, I was a little bit more like, okay, this is what we need to do. I had to be very affirmative. I wasn't yelling. But you know, men don't typically take, well when you're in a whole room full of them and it's like, I'm like the lone one. Sometimes people don't handle that. Well, the second time I spoke up, I may have been considered more demure. I literally said, that is not a KPI again.

And then I gave, then what happened was I took a real system or whatever it was we were working on, and I gave an example. They looked again, they looked again, where am I going with that? Women who are out here promoting what is considered feminine. I'm telling you right now, the essence of femininity is not, femininity is not something that you check off on the box. Because even if I had all of those qualities, depending on the scenario, if I speak up and I'm like, that's absolutely not the case.

Me saying that can be perceived as lacking in femininity. She's telling Amanda that's not a, I mean, and I knew I wasn't a hundred percent right? I mean, because I am who I am. I mean, I'm just saying. But I was just like, no, that's not what it is. Now when I had those conversations, and of course I'm leaving some stuff out because you don't need to know all the gory detail. Someone was like, I know a lot of times they don't listen. But you know what somebody said?

Someone said, the way you speak, your voice still carries differently. It sounds different from a man man's. So I came out, I was a little bit more, I don't wanna say aggressive, but I had to be aggressive. They still didn't listen. But even still, I sounded different than a man. These women who are telling you what femininity is, it is a total grift. They're grifting off of these women's insecurities. I mean like, I don't understand.

Why are we moving at 17 miles an hour here? Like, I'm just trying to understand what is going on. Anyway, they're drifting off of a whole bunch of women in their insecurities. They're telling 'em to get bust down weed and everything. They're telling 'em to talk like this. Let me tell you, there are times if I talk like that, I will not be heard. At least not in the profession that I'm in. People wanna talk over me all the time. And I'm like, I'm not trying to argue with you. but I said what I said, so now people get it. Like, I'm like, I don't argue.

I said exactly what I said, do what you want, do what you want, but this is what I said, the end. And that's it. People will try to say, that's not what's happening. I'm like, that's literally what's happening because I was just working on this last week. It's literally what's happening, happening. but I don't feel the need to argue with you anyway. I know I was a little all over the place, but I just wanted to get that off my chest because I feel like culturally, you got men out here trying to tell women what femininity is, and I'm like, you don't know what it is.

you know what you're attracted to. You are attracted to a particular aesthetic or type of woman, but you can't tell what what is, you can't coach women on being feminine. You can't coach women on being feminine any more than I can coach somebody on how to be masculine. And I'm telling you right now, some of what it is to be feminine or masculine is learned through societal heuristics. Okay? Boys and girls, and I'm not trying to be that person, just drop a words, but, and for those of you who don't know what a heuristic is, H-E-U-R-I-S-T-I-C-S, heuristics, those are the things that are learned over time, right?

It's kind of like when you are out among a group of people, or for those of us who look like me, when you go out into like the corporate world, we naturally know how to code switch. And there's certain behaviors, you know, or things that you're gonna do at work. Those are learned over time. It's not something that you're gonna write in a book, right? Like we used to joke about like how, like if you would see another black person and you're saying hello and another person go, oh, how's it going? And you know, how's the weather? Or blah, blah, blah. When there was more than two or three of us congregated, we would break it up.

We were like, oh, we gotta break it up. The census is too high. I use the word the sense the census is too high, right? Those are the things you know, because what happens is, you know that at times people start looking and wondering what's going on over there? Do you see what I mean? Like these, those little nuances, those that's a heuristic, something that you learn over time. you know how to maneuver, behave, et cetera. So when you talk about femininity and masculinity, there are certain things you learn over time and it's through just being around people. It's, it's, it's not like a factual thing, right?

You, it's through, it's learned through is learn through experiences. These people who are telling you like, this is what you need to do to beat feminine or masculine. And this isn't something that you check off. You, you are around people like little things. Like, it's just hard to explain. Like even like when women or when, okay, for example, I'll give you an example. Now I'm not a man, but this is just a really bad example. It's kind of like when you're out dating somebody, right?

And if you're alone, just the two of you, assuming we're talking about heteronormative relationships, right? I can't speak to, to the L-G-Q-B-T-I, all the letters and how this works. I'm talking about men or women, you know, cisgender, since we gotta like, identify everything when men are talking to women, right? Especially when they're really like into you or if they're trying to flex their masculinity. It, this isn't like something where they certainly go to their book And, they say pull out the deep voice, right?

They don't do that At this point in time. You must lower your voice and talk like, no, that's something that's gonna happen when you're talking to about and And, they talking to someone in the situations. And, they call for you to drop the level of your voice. If you're trying to mack or so I know I know these are all old words. This isn't something where they say, now when you're in this moment, you're gonna talk more like this. Like, I, I can't do what they're doing. But that's something you learn over time.

you know, you learn over time like the kinds of things like how when, like when, if a woman is trying to impress, not impress, but if she's showing her interest, they're not gonna say, at this point in time, go flip your hair. Absolutely not. Or there's nuance to like, when you're leaning in, when you lean away, when who is blowing me up. Okay? So like those things happen. That's, that's a heuristic. Where am I going with this? Femininity and masculinity is not something that you're gonna check off in the box.

Men shouldn't be telling women how to be feminine. They don't know how to be feminine. They barely know how to be masculine. They're way too hyperfocused on femininity. It's really weird, really creepy and I think the women need to stop, you know, having all these grs and, and profiting off of all of these women's insecurities. They're literally telling women that they need to talk like this. And, they all sound the same, And, they all look the same. I wonder how many of them are in these desired pick me relationships. Now I know you're gonna be like, how dare you speak?

You're married. Yes I am. What I didn't do was walk around talking like this all the time and wearing a bus down with tons of makeup and, and eyelashes. And there's nothing wrong with those things, but that's what they're promoting. Alright? So don't be mad at me. Be mad at whoever it is that you're following on Jesus' internet. And I'm, I'm just calling thing a thing. And also, while I'm on my little bit of a rant, let me just say all of you who are out here in podcast land listening to these whacked out weirdos, that's men and women get off of these podcasts.

Most of these people don't even have a relationship that can hold any water. They're trying to talk to you about marriage and they've never been married. You've got men trying to tell women how to catch a man. Men don't know how to catch men unless you're playing for the same team that I'm playing for. You can tell women what, what, what men want. At the end of the day, only women can tell women how to catch men. Hey, I said what? I said these are my opinions. That's why they call me the Black, Opinionated Woman. Hey, my opinion may change tomorrow.

I'm allowed to do that because they're my opinions. Alright? So I'm just going to be mad at this traffic for another five or 10 more minutes before I should arrive at my destination. What time is it? I don't even know what time it's, oh yeah, I gotta go about 10 minutes. I'm curious to know what your thoughts are. I'm sure there's gonna be somebody in my comments that's gonna be unhinged and you know, it is what it is. but yeah, that, that, that's it. I'm, I'm gonna get off now. I'm rambling. Have a good one.

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