S5E31 Not me always thinking that I’m always dying

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): Hi, everyone. Be here. Black Opinionated Woman. Those of you new to my channel. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I wanna get right on into it. So, you know, I'm middle aged now, and no one told me that I would become a full-blown hypochondriac. Okay? And it was right in my early forties that I started experiencing this unprecedented level of hypochondria.

I honestly, this was actually pre COVID where I started like getting nervous about everything. Okay? And that's when you start seeing, so it started when you would see people like family, friends, whatever. They start passing a why. You get to that age where you're no longer experiencing a ton of things to celebrate, right?

You're not experiencing a lot of, you know, marriages and, and graduations and births of babies. You usually around that age, you experience a lot of death, or you start to experience death, or you start to hear the death of marriages or whatever like that, right? So when surrounded by like this type of thing happening, you start, or at least I did, I started becoming a full blown hypochondriac.

And lemme tell you, I have been a disaster for eight years. I remember I did not know that I was having anxiety. Now everybody claims to be an introvert, or they have anxiety or all these things, right? No, I was having full blown anxiety. I had anxiety attacks and didn't realize that was what was happening to me. And so there were times when I really thought I was having a heart attack, and they were like, there's nothing wrong with your heart.

I, I was so psychotic about it. I went to my primary care doctor several times. I went to the er, I went and saw a heart specialist and the heart specialist that one time she was looking at me sideways, like, I can't diagnose you mentally. I mean, but seriously, if there was something wrong with your heart, attach. I mean, I wore a halter monitor and everything And they were like, whatever is going on, you, you need to figure that out because this isn't a heart attack you're having.

And so I figured out, after going to different people, I was having panic attacks, anxiety attacks. I remember I would be at work and I didn't want anybody to know. 'cause I was like so embarrassed. I would go hide out in the bathroom, like, and I couldn't figure out what is wrong with me. So as I'm going through my forties, you know, I've seen various levels of, of escalation. I, it had, I started escalating until I started realizing like, okay, it's, it's, you.

Like, you gotta figure this out. And I remember during the time of the, the pandemic, I was so freaked out at one point because you're like consuming so much of the news. I had to stop consuming the news. I'll never forget, I was thinking about, you know, people were getting ill from this, all kinds of stuff, right from the, from the COVID. And I remember at one point I have freaked myself out so much that I started like creating these symptoms, like out of nowhere.

So I go downstairs, I'm like wrapped up in a blanket. Eyes are moist by the way, full on moisture because I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm talking to my husband and I'm like, I figured COVID. And he looked at me. Now keep in mind we have all I have to like social distance and everything. He's like, well then take yourself upstairs with your COVID itself, because you don't have COVID, right? And I really thought I was checking up out of there. I was like, oh my gosh, you're gonna have to go to the hospital. I'm not gonna see my kids.

I'm, I'm done. Like, I was like, I mean, I created this whole scenario where I thought I had it all in the span of about a half hour. I was like, well then just go on the stairs and die by yourself. Like he, because I, I think he just knew, like, okay, did he tone her down by not feeding into this? I was so psychotic about it that, I mean, I started crying. He was like, he didn't literally stop and was like, you don't have COVID.

He's like, what you have is you like, you're, you're, you're, I don't know why you're getting like this, but something is going on that it's causing you to freak out about everything. Living about 15, 20 minutes, maybe 20 minutes. Everything that I thought I felt went away. And he was like, you a drink or something? No, he is not flying me with alcohol and, and everything is going wrong. But he was just looking at me like, there's nothing wrong with you. And over time, and I think because when you start to see people get, ill pass away.

You see people on tv, whatever, I don't know what it was, but I became a hypochondria. I, let me tell you, every year I go to my doctor and I walk up in there for my primary care visit. And let me tell you, I think they just know me by now because I already come in on 10. My blood pressure is normal. But usually the first time they take it, it's high. And they're like, so the last time I went in there, they took it one time.

'cause I, I had to mentally tell myself, you are not dying of congestive heart failure. Every time I go in there, I'm like, you know how you have to get your like eek g or whatever it is when they hook you up and it's like your normal vitals. And I'm like, is it bad? And the lady's like, laughing. And I'm like, is it, you can just tell me. She's like, everything is fine. But that, the doctor has to tell you that. And of course they're like, everything is normal. But I, every year I get a script, a referral or whatever to go see a heart specialist because he's like, if it'll make you feel better, 'cause you talk about these things that bother you, they go see one.

But I remember every time I'm feeling a certain kind of way, I find I can like calm myself down. All I know is every time something goes on, now I'm concerned. I'm like, is it cancer? If I get a headache, I'm like, is this an aneurysm? You know? And I feel like stress or tightness in my chest, I'm like, am I having a heart attack? Is this congestive heart failure? Because every year I go into my primary care doctor, I'm like, how long do I have?

I'm like, serious. I'm a full blown hypochondriac. So my husband, if I'm tell him something's wrong, he's like, okay, So let, let's talk about raw. Lemme tell you how on New Year's Eve or New Year's Day, I, I honestly thought, I didn't realize I was stressed about something that was bothering me and I couldn't get my body to calm down. And I was like, I can't breathe. I literally could not breathe.

And I go into the ER And they were like, do you realize basically this is anxiety? And I was like, I'm not anxious. They're like, I'm like, are you sure it's not congestive heart failure? I am having a heart attack or something. And they were like, we're gonna give you something. 'cause they ran on my vitals And they're like, you're fine. My blood pressure was so high that everything was fine. They were like, there's nothing wrong with your heart. For the first time, they had to give me something to bring me down. And I was like, the fact could just give me, they're like, you'll feel better.

Because didn didn't want them give me anything. My husband's like, maybe you should take it. You never take to me. No, I'm not on medication guys. No. But where I'm going with this was I, most of the time that it affected me so much when people get sick. Like if someone dies the depth of a relationship, it's not even mine. And I don't know why I was internalizing it so much at middle age. So then I started fussing at my, well, my niece and nephews, they're my nieces and nephews are a little younger than my husband's.

So I started fussing at them. I'm like, this is all your fault guys. Guys aren't getting married enough or having enough babies. You don't have anything to celebrate. And basically what I was getting at was, I feel like when you become middle age, oftentimes you go through this period where you're not celebrating the marriages and graduations and the birth of babies, because around that time, you generally have gone through all that, or your peers have gone through that, right?

Usually what you're experiencing are more deaths. You know, your grandparents are getting older, great grandparents, all that kind of stuff. Or relationships that are going sour. Maybe someone is experiencing a hard time with something else and one gets sick. And so I don't know what it was, but I did not know that when I became middle aged that I was gonna be a hypochondriac. If I forget someone's name, all of a sudden I'm freaked out. I'm like, is this dementia? Is this dementia? I'm like, gosh, like, it bugs me.

Or like, when you go in like a room for something, another room for something. And I'm like, what did I come in here for? Or when you're talking to people And they all of a sudden out and I'm like, what was I saying? Oh yeah. I was like, oh my gosh, is this, is this a sign of the end? Is this the sign of the end? And we were having a conversation at work about a week or so ago, and we were talking about how many more summers you have, how many more summers do you have?

And since you know, I'm on the other side of 40, closer to 50, I'm like, oh my goodness. Like, you know, you think about it, you're more than halfway through your life. The average lifespan is in seventies, eighties, right? So at the ripe old age of 48 and 49, I'm like, more than half of my life is gone. And you know, we were like, you just looked that one sink in. You start thinking how many summers I realistically have left? How many summers do you have left?

And I'm telling you this middle aged thing now, let me just say I'm not walking around on a daily basis experiencing doom. Look, that's not it. But, you know, things were put into perspective. And so now I'm, I'm still wrestling with how do I maintain a healthy level of concern without going all the way in on something. Right? Sometimes it's, you may just be experiencing just aches and pains.

Sometimes there could be something wrong. Huh? Good lord, I'm so sorry. Anyway, the point I'm making is I never knew I was going to be a, a hypochondriac. I did not expect that when I got into my forties that I was gonna always think that I was going to die. And I don't know if anybody has experienced that, because I remember one person I was talking to one time, he used to always dream that he was going to die.

Like, and I was like, oh my goodness, that's horrible. That's a nightmare. But I'm in this space right now where I feel like I always think I'm gonna die or something's wrong with me. And even when I think they come back with healthy people works like, you know, these things look good. Maybe should cut back on this, but you're, you're fine. It never seems to be good enough. Well, anyway, but that's all I've got.

I, I don't know, I, anyway, what are your thoughts? Is it just me? Is it just me or, all right, have a good one. Don't forget to leave a comment. Subscribe to my channel and send, send this out to everybody you know. All right.

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