S5E39 Things I Don't Entertain Anymore

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Transcript

Speaker 1 (0s): All right. Morning bows and bow ties. I'm wearing sun kissed berry, like some sort of like lip balm, but I got like a while go from Bed, bath and bath and Body Works or whatever. Anyway, welcome to my channel on the black opinionated woman, also known as a bow. My lips are popping. They're cute. Alright, so look, I know I just recently did a video about maybe 10 or 15 minutes ago, want 30, however long it was ago.

But I do have another quick one. Excuse me if I start sneezing and stuff because I'm still dealing with my allergies and sinus situation, but I think it's mostly cleared up now. So the title of this, what is this called? Of things I don't entertain anymore as a woman. I don't even think it matters that I have as a woman. I'm just gonna, I, I will probably change this title. Let me see. Can I change this title as we're doing this? Things I don't entertain anymore. Okay.

Oh, it won't let me do this while we're live. That's okay. I'll change it afterwards. So why am I doing this? So I've had my share of, I guess of a lot of things, right? And I think as I continue getting older, you know, I turned 49 this summer and I started just being really introspective and reflective again. I mean, I go through periods of this anyway and, and it could be because this is my last year in my forties, I recognize that more than half of my life is most like, likely gone, likely gone.

I remember when I was at work one time, someone had made the comment like, you no longer think about how many like years you have left. It's more like how many summers or whatever like that. And when you start thinking about it, like, we're actually most likely more, more than halfway through our lives. So at 49, and let's assume that I live to be 85, that would give me about 36 more summers left. So you start thinking about like, okay, I'm 49 and I have approximately, if I live to 85, I have 36 more summers left, right supposedly, or Christmases or whatever, I don't know.

And you start putting things in perspective. Like when someone mentioned that to me, I was like, I, but anyway, while I was being reflective and I realized that I had already arrived here, but it's definitely, oh hey Kayla, you're back on. Eugenics is gonna be here till 50 years. I dunno if I wanna be here that long. I really dunno if I wanna be here that long. I mean like, everyone's like going crazy. Things are popping off too much for me.

I just wanna marinate, you know? But one of the things that I will say is this, lemme see, I had a couple of points here. I don't say yes to a whole lot of things that I don't, or I, this was our, we just celebrated our anniversary by the way. And I have notes over place here. Some of my notes that I wrote here, just look, don't judge me. So if you see me looking off to the side, I have notes everywhere. All right? But they're not good ones.

They're like literally like bullet points. So where was I going? I don't say yes to everything. It's literally more on the lines of like, when they're like, Hey, can you do this if I don't want to? I'm like, I can't. No, no is a complete sentence. It really is. I just, I feel like, why do I have to give you more explanation? The answer is no. It's just no. I mean, it could be for a variety of things. Maybe I just don't want to, maybe I don't have this, the mental cycles to give to it.

Maybe I don't have the physical cycles to give to it. Maybe I have a conflict. It could be a variety of things. But at the end of the day, like I used to try to please everyone because I didn't wanna be disliked. And now I'm at the point where I'm more into taking care of myself. It doesn't mean that I don't care about others, but I recognize I'm important too. And so I don't feel the need to give a whole lot of explanation. The answer is no. I'm just like, yeah, I can't, if I want to be helpful, what I may do is say, Hey look, I can do this during this time, or I can do maybe this, but I cannot accommodate you for this, this, otherwise the answer is just a flat out, no, I can't, I don't say I'm sorry back then i's like, oh, I'm so sorry, but I can't now I'm just kind of like, I, I can't and people are gonna have to be okay with it because I have learned that people are okay with telling me no, at least back when I was younger, right?

And these are people who, you know, obviously had arrived at certain places in their lives or they just really just did not care about me. But yes, I most definitely have gotten to the point where no is a complete sentence and I don't feel the need to say yes to a whole lot of things. Especially if I just flat out don't want to. Hey, I said no to something just this past weekend. You wanna know why? Because I didn't want to, let me tell you what I did this weekend. I tried to limit how many times I went outside, even though I was outside, but I was getting over death.

I was getting over death. And what I wanted to do was, I, I have bad allergies in the fall, but I also had it, sinusitis is like a sinus infection on top of it. And when I would walk outside, like my nose with nose, okay, my nose was nosing. Like, I was just like dying. So what I wanted to do was, I was literally limiting the number of times it was like finishing, I think it was like 80 degrees. And I was just like, I'm not dealing with the elements.

So I had a weekend where there were times when I did have to go outside, right? I had to do some, I had to go to my daughter's lacrosse situation. I went to a baby shower. But there was some things I was just kind of like, look, no, I stayed inside. I, I watched some football, I rested my nose, was able to, to get his chill on. I was in, I was in spaces where a black woman saying no was considered hostile. And insubordinate males get to say no. And I respect that. That is, you know, I've been saying Kev love, I think your name is key love.

I would say this is true. But, and I think this largely remains true, being in spaces where if you say no as a black woman, it's considered hostile. But I've gotten to the point that I, I kind of don't care. I kind of just don't care. I made the comment to someone, not this past weekend, it was the previous weekend.

I made a comment to someone and I actually, she laughed. She didn't look like me, but she laughed. And I said something like, I've gotten to the point where, you know, at the rightful age, age of 49, I was like, I've stopped caring as much. I don't wanna say I don't ever care, but I stopped caring as much what people think because oftentimes much of what I do or don't do will not change the opinion of someone anyway.

I can't change your opinion and it's none of my business what you're thinking about me anyway. Like it's no business of yours. What about what I'm thinking? Like, so I've gotten to this point where I'm like, I can't change your mind. Only you can do that. I can be who I'm, that's it. So I can't worry about if I do this or do that, will they like me? Will they, they're gonna think what you're gonna think anyway. So why should I go out of my way to unnecessarily alter myself? I don't wanna do it, whatever. But anyway, the point I'm making is I stopped saying yes to things that I don't want to do.

Just don't want to. Alright, I'm gonna move on to the next one. I actually feel less guilt about a lot of things. You know, like how I used to feel guilt about, like, it reminds me of like whenever someone is trying to put on an event or I don't know, there's something going on, right? And usually 20% of the people do 80% of the work, right? I have been guilty of not participating in some things because maybe I just didn't have it in me.

And there's times when I've been a great participant, right? But I have learned that there are other people who can step up when necessarily, I remember I was trying to volunteer for my son's football last year for his team for some stuff. And actually somebody told me, no, you don't have to do this again. Somebody else can step up. I'm like, you're absolutely right. You know? And I didn't feel guilty about anything at all. And so this year I actually haven't volunteered for anything. And, and it's primarily because of conflict, but I have no guilt. I mean, 'cause I've obviously done all kinds of things.

I think the main thing is like, if I can't do something or don't wanna do something or whatever, and I'm talking about within reason, within reason. Like I don't feel guilty at all. The answer's no, like in my first point. And secondly, I'm like, somebody else can step up. It's okay, they'll be okay. And I'm like, I promise you the world will continue to spin and be tilted on its axis. If I say no and I don't do something. Like, I just don't get guilt tripped into a lot of things anymore. I'm like, you've got 50 11 people.

I can do some things. It reminds me of this weekend, I, I was supposed to go support a thing, but I told them in advance, I said, look, I'll buy tickets to something. I'm not even gonna show up. I stayed home. Like I said, my sinuses were like just trying to get their lives together. And they did. They did. They were great, you know, but I didn't feel a sense of guilt at all. I was like, I'm limiting my outside because the environment is attacking me. I didn't want my nose to burn all other stuff, you know, whatever. By the way, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm breathing great, you know, but the medication has been kicking in since last Thursday, so I'm having a great time.

However, if you listen closely, you can hear there are people who are mowing outside and edging up and everything. And I'm like scared to go outside. I'm like, it's mostly the fall mode, but, and I'm not too bad with grass, but yeah, fresh cut grass, I try not to deal with that. Anyway, I digress. I don't get guilt tripped into my choices. I don't, you are allowed to be mad, be mad. But at the end of the day, my choice is still my choice. And the only one still gonna be thinking about it is you, not me.

Well, I'm not saying this as advice, I'm just saying this is how I'm operating. I don't know what's gotten it to me. I don't know if this's, because I'm premenopausal, but I think this is just where I'm at with it and it's been kind of peaceful. I'm like, after that, I mean, I had already arrived here, but I'm mostly verbalizing it now. What's the next thing? Oh, stoking the fires of friendships.

Now I just previously did a video about 20, 30 minutes ago or whatever it was. I did that and I was just talking about how there was a friendship that almost ruined me. But this is a little bit of a pivot. I don't go out of my way to foster friendships when it's clear other people are not right. And it doesn't mean that these are bad people or that I'm a bad person. It, it doesn't mean any of these things. Like these are some awful sinister people, but I just feel like, you know what?

If it's not a priority for you, it's just not a priority for me. And sometimes people get caught up, sometimes you find each other later in life or whatever like that. I don't think it's always this bad sinister thing. I think sometimes people are going through a season, maybe you're going through a season, I dunno. But I have learned, like I don't have to be the one to constantly try to stoke the fires of relationships or friendships. So I stopped doing it. I'm like, if they wanna contact me, they have my contact information, right?

Like, that's it. And it's not bad. It's, it's not good. It's not anything. It just is, unless you're like super close or something. But at the end of the day, I don't feel the need to break my back to stoke the fires of what you believe are friendships. And, and no, nothing has recently happened to me, anything bad or anything like that. But I was going through my phone over the last few weeks trying to see like getting rid of duplicate videos, just getting rid rid of old stuff.

And I saw, I had so many numbers of people, I'm like, who is this person? Oh, and there's a way that I save people now so that it kinda like gets like a mind jogger. And I'm like, I need to clear out my context. And it's, it, it wasn't meant to be need or bad, but, you know, I just kind of feel like if people aren't fostering those relationships, I'm not gonna foster relationships. And there was nothing terrible that happened. Just nothing. It's just, you know, whatever.

Moving on. This is a good one. I do not believe now in shrinking myself, in order for people to feel good about themselves and wonderfully made, like I feel like God made me, and you can't ask me to dim my light, extinguish my fire, right? Like, I shouldn't be asking you to do that either.

And there are people whose light is shining brighter than mine. But I just think like that, that that's meant for them. Like there like amazing and I don't know, like they shouldn't have to extinguish anything. I'm trying to think who right now has been a while or vice versa. I know in the past I would be almost embarrassed. This is so silly. But this just look, this evolution is the evolution of me.

Can you tell it to me? I would try to quiet anything that I was doing. I remember when I was dating, oh, okay, let's, let's get into this for a second. I remember years ago, okay, now this is gonna sound like I'm too my horn. I, I mean, I'll, I'll tone it down. I remember years ago when I was dating, I used to, well, no, I had a strong constitution about myself, but I didn't let it be known like the things that maybe I've achieved or any accolades or whatever, right?

Because I wanted the person that I was dating or something to feel like the audacity of me to think that I can make them feel like, like I can improve their self esteem. Like it was crazy. Like it was almost as if like, well, I don't wanna outshine someone. And then obviously, you know, if you're with somebody who's there for you, they're gonna, they're gonna want you to shine. I think there's a synergistic effect when you have two people who are supporting each other and they're shining.

Now I just remember back then, I, I didn't, I think I just didn't allow myself to shine as bright, if that makes sense. It wasn't like it was hidden. I just didn't stoke the fire. Like, you know what I mean? Because I, I just wanted whoever was around me to feel good too. I think also because maybe people may or may not have achieved whatever they may or may not have wanted in life.

Like back in my younger days, I kind of almost felt embarrassed at being who I was. Right? And I, I know I'm, I'm, I'm fumbling my words here and I know I'm fumbling my words, but I'm trying to speak delicately because it makes me sound really into myself. Simon Dinkle, hi. Do you have a story from, in real life when people were walking in line and someone suddenly stopped and everyone bumped into each other?

I'm trying to figure out how to relate that to, I'm not sure where you're going with that. Maybe if you can explain more. You have a story. I'm gonna read this again. Do you have a, do you have a story from, in real life, I assume IL means in real life when people are walking in line and someone suddenly stopped and everyone bumped into each other. I mean, I'm sure we all have those, but I'm trying to figure out where you were going with the comment. I wanna make sure I address it properly.

Anyway, the point I was making was I used to try to, I I I was a little bit embarrassed at the things that I may have achieved or things that I was doing. Okay, I'll give you a, a high level one. See, because it sounds, it, it, it's tough. I remember when I was talking to a guy, I was trying to, I don't even know what I was, but the guy wanted to date or something. And I remember this guy, this sounds so bad, y'all gonna have to forgive me, forgive me.

The guy was telling me about how he likes to travel and I thought that was a great thing. And I was like, oh, well tell me more about it, or something to those lines. And he was like, yeah, you know, I'd like to go to Miami and all this other stuff. And I was like, oh, where else do you like to go? And he's like, Miami. He's like, I'm planning on going to Jamaica and these are all like cool place, like great places. And I was like, oh, okay. He's like, well, do you like to travel?

I'm like, sure I do. And he's like, okay, so where do you wanna go? Where have you been? Okay, so this guy is really getting off right now. We're trying to do this outside work. It is so loud. So the guy had asked me like, what do you like to do? Where do you like to go? Blah, blah, blah. And he's like, where have you been? And I felt so bad. I was like, well, you know, was feeling feelings. He, and I was like, like naming overseas, like places where you have to get your passport snapped and I'll just leave it there.

And he, so he looked at me like, so I just look like a stupid MF thrown. I, and that sounds bad. That's, that's like a bad example because that's, but I think you get this sentiment dim me, a light can be about like achieving a goal. Like I finally became the nurse I wanted to be and it took me a while to get there. Or I purchased my first home. Maybe it's a, a condo, it could be a freaking palace. I don't care. It could be like, oh my goodness, I finally, you know, got this certification, I purchased my first car and it's just on cardboard on, and I got two wheels or four wheels and I could have do it, right?

Like, you know, whatever thing it is. But like, the point is like, I used to feel like I had to dim what I was doing because I didn't want anybody else to feel bad about what they had going on. But knowing what I know now, I'm like, well, wait a second. I worked hard to put myself in certain situations to get, you know, opportunities and why should I feel bad about something that I was rewarded for? Thank God, right? I think even just in terms of personality, right?

There are some people who have the gift of gab. They have the gift of making people feel warm, right? When you're just a likable person, let's not talk from like an achievement standpoint. It's more from just a likable standpoint. Like, there's some people who are just like, they make people feel like a million dollars. They just have a light about them and they walk into the room, you want to talk to them, they make you laugh, you learn something from them. They make you feel seen and heard. And what happens is when you, like, there's people like that, they just have this light about them.

There are people who cannot handle that. There are people who cannot handle that. I've seen people who are like that and others who could not handle being around someone like that. And so then, because you know, people who had that gift, that light that that thing, the, the young seis, is that the right word? Feel some kind of way they were almost embarrassed at their amazingness, right? Like, I've seen that.

Like they, they just have it and, and people felt some kind of way about someone. And so now that person feels the need to almost shrink. And I'm like, you should never be shrinking because you have this personality. You have this way of making people feel seen and feel wanted and, and warm that they can achieve anything that they can conquer the world. Like, yeah. So circling back to the point I no longer strength to make others feel comfortable.

I am no longer in a place of them in my light to make somebody else feel good about themselves. Not doing it. I don't want to. Now I don't necessarily need to go out and like light or anything like that, but I do know what it's like to go into a place and maybe you can disarm someone because you, you have something in common with somebody and you just talk and you're like, you know, and you just make them feel like, like it's gonna be all right. Like, and I'm not saying that's me, but there are times when you could do that.

And there's people who, who have an issue with that. A coworker was just telling me about this recently said, there's something about the way that you were communicating with certain people. That person XI think is, is struggling with, doesn't like it, but I just kind of feel like, but that's not my problem. That's that person's problem. All right? And here's the last one. Now this may seem like some black woman kind of rah rah kind of thing. But let me just say this.

I no longer, look, I did this. Look, see my chins. I need to get my light together. Now granted, it is the angle at which I'm, you know, recording this, but you know, it's really a chin, an extra chin. I no longer go outta my way at work to fight for the right things. And what do I mean by that? I'm the person that I will consult and I'll say, Hey, we may wanna consider X, Y, and Z.

That's all I've got. That's all I got. It's, I'm not gonna sit here and fight and fight and fight for all those right things that you don't want to take suggestions for. I'm not doing it. I'm not coming in here trying to, you know, stress myself out, trying to fix something that either people don't want fixed or really don't want you to fix. So my job is to offer up sound device. I'm gonna consult you and I'm gonna say, these are the things you need to do.

You can either take it or leave it. Sometimes it's taking, sometimes it's not. But what I'm not doing is wear myself out. I'm not, you wanna know why? Because I'm cranky now. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, no, if you don't wanna take suggestions, why am I gonna care more than you? I'm not fighting you on it.

I'm not. I go back to doing what I need to do and when it's time to, to move on, there's a control. Ele well, we don't have control ly disabled that security reasons, but you know, it's time to shut it down. And I go on with the rest of my day. When I leave my place of employment, I have a whole other life, a whole other dysfunctional life. So I don't sit there and go outta my way to fight and fight and fight for the right things, right? 'cause sometimes they don't want it or I just kind of feel like to what is the cost and to, to what end.

I've said it, I've documented it. That's it. Y'all are not stressing me out. I remember I used to just get so much angst over like, but this isn't right. Like fighting for the justice of it all and or like just having righteous indignation over like stuff that even though I was a hundred percent right, but I used to always tell my kids, you can be right and still lose because what did you gain in a process? Bad feelings, bad health.

I don't know. There's a lot of things like, like I tell my kids all the time, I've been told my husband all the time, I said, you know, you can, you even when you're right about something, you can still lose in the process, you know? So I explained to my kids like, you can lose respect. You can, you can lose peace. You, you can lose health, you can lose time, you can lose, there's so much you can lose. So I've come to that point now where it is just better to, when you see something, if you see something that can be fixed, you do what you can.

And then I'm like, if they want it done, then people will step in those who may have more juice or whatever. And that's it. That's it. And I walk out with so much peace. I walk out with so much peace because I know that I did not expend any unnecessary mental capital towards something that may be like pushing a peanut, a hill with, with your nose or something that just can't be fixed in the near future for, for whatever reasons.

Oh, I'm sitting here, my legs all weird under me and now my, my right leg is like fall asleep on me. So yeah, these are the things that I am not doing anymore. Let me recap them. I don't say yes to things I don't want to do. I don't feel guilt, guilt tripped into choices or things. I don't, I don't stoke the fires of friendships that are not reciprocal. I do not, I am not shrinking to make others feel good about themselves.

No, God made me the way he made me. And, and if, if I have a different light that's, that's popping and locking that day, then it is what it is. You need to figure out how to get your light to be visible or just know that maybe it's not your season. I don't know. We all have different gifts and, and talents and those kinds of things. And then the last one is, I'm not fighting for the justice of it all and all the right things when I'm at work. You either gonna listen or you're not. That's just where I'm at with it. I dunno why, because like I said earlier, I think I'm just cranky.

I don't know. I don't have the energy for it. I don't want the energy for it. You know what I want, I want good allergies. I mean, I want good sciences. I want good clean breathing air. I want for my transition glasses to, to do the transitioning because now I have to like look down at things like this, you know, because my eyesight is not the same. And I don't even have bad eyesight. I, I just want peace. You know? I wanna laugh and to not laugh. I want, I don't want to walk around with so much mental anguish.

I don't want it. I don't need it. I don't need it. So that's where I'm at with it. I don't even know why I felt I need to get out here or say this today, but I had time. I had time. I'm not in my car doing this. Like I normally do it. I had time. But anyway, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts. Send this to all of your, your peoples, your, your, your grandparents. Leave up your grandparents, send it to your aunties. 'cause we might be in the same age range. Send it to all your friends, your kids, whatever.

Hopefully you'll subscribe. And that's pretty much all I've got. Until the next time I may have another video coming. I'm trying to see if I'm gonna do with my other topic. All right later. Hope you enjoyed it.