S5E46 An Honest Midlife Check-In

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• 17:24 (Cont.) S5E46 An Honest Midlife Check-In

Transcript

Speaker 2 (0s): Oh, I am actually live. All right. Good morning bows and bow ties. Black Opinionated Woman here, also known as a B. Let see if I can get in here. Pretty good. Okay, so it's been a while since I have Haven Live. I don't go live as often because I had to take that off the plate a little bit. I had a lot I was dealing with good, bad, and different. But let me just start off by saying we're going to, you see the title, right?

There's a reason why I'm touching my hair. The title, what, what did I call this? An Honest Midlife Check in. So what you're seeing on screen right now, I have a quick weave in, so I'm sure you've seen it in videos. I had dyed my hair, I had gone away, my hair started breaking off. It looked terrible. So I actually have gone in, cut my hair down, and then I put in the quick weave, which I like.

You know, the next time you guys see me, maybe, maybe not, or when I take this out, let me tell you, I'm probably gonna have like a 20 inch bus down, maybe a 24 inch bus down because I'm going through it, okay? I don't think you can see my tracks. I think I did a decent job for my first time putting in my quick weave. Now, let me just get on to the point as to why I'm, I'm live. So I have been doing a little bit of a check-in with myself, and I tend to think a lot, I would say even overthink some things.

I just wanna say, for the record, this is not like, I just wanna say I, I'm not in a crisis. I mean, I'm going through it. It's not a crisis. I'm just doing a little bit of a check-in. Okay? So that, that's all I wanna do. I just wanted to let you know that I'm checking in. So, what I've been doing was I realized that I have these mixed emotions.

I am like, can I be happy and sad at the same time? And I think the answer is yes. No, I'm not. I terribly depressed. I'm not floating either in like a dream happiness. I, I have this middle ground, which is actually a good thing. I think, you know, let me just say this. My daughter, a few weeks ago, she mentioned that she was bored.

And I told her, what a blessing to be bored, because that means there's nothing too high or too low. All your needs are met as far as we know. Like, it's the mundane, the mundane is actually, I've learned to appreciate the mundane. Because if you are not appreciating the mundane, if you're not in a space with the mundane, then that means there's something either really, really sad or bad that could be impacting your life, or it could be happy, right?

You have these wild swing of emotions. But one of the first things I wanted to talk about was my kids in midlife where the, the happy and the sad. Like I, I struggle with this. We are in December of 2025. I'm not sure exactly when people are gonna view this video. And I'm extremely happy that I have all four of my kids home with me. I have my college son home with me, of course. Then I have my high schooler and my two middle schoolers.

I am on the one hand, so happy that they're here all under the same roof. I'm very, very happy. As far as I know, everybody's healthy. There's a lot to be thankful for. But then the other side of me is psychotic. I lean in, especially with my boys right now, the ones who are older. I'm like, your grades need to be better. You don't have the luxury of, of just kicking it.

I need you guys to be better people. I need your rooms to be cleaner. And they're probably like, but I'm like, I need better grades. I need you to have a sense of purpose. You know? So I'm, I'm creating all of these things I need to take. How do I, I forgot how to take this thing off my, how do I take off the boat? It's been a while since I've used this camera.

Visual effects group layout. I don't, I don't even remember how to do it. I'm so sorry. It's just gonna stay there for now until I remember. I take it off. Geez, how do I take this off? Anyway? It doesn't even matter right now. Let me just stay on. Let me stay on track. So yeah, I'm in this weird thing with midlife where I'm 49 years old. I've got my quick weed because I've jacked up my hair. My hair was falling out, so I had to cut it down.

So, you know, I like playing with it now because it's a lot easier than my real hair. So I got quick weaving because I jacked up my hair. I'm, I'm looking at my kids and I'm grateful for my kids, you know, and I would say even my husband too, like, I'm grateful for him. I love him, but he gets on my nerves too. Everybody gets on my nerves. Everybody gets on my mother loving nerves. So I feel I, I struggle with this midlife crisis thing, right?

Because I'm, but I'm not really having a crisis. I'm just trying to understand how can I be happy and sad at the same time? And I'm like, what is wrong with me? Because there's people out here with real issues, real issues. So anyway, I sit here and I'm like, I'm so happy and thankful I have all four of my kids, but then I'm sitting there looking at them sideways, like, I Think, so I definitely think it's menopause because I don't know, I'm sitting here, there are days when I'm so happy, I'm like, I can cry because I'm, I'm happy with the mundane and there's days when I'm so pissed off, I can cry because everybody is triggering me.

So it is 4 26 in the morning and I'm sitting here like, you're over here ing out. Like, and there's people with real problems, real problems. But anyway, let me just circle back to the kids for a second. 'cause I don't divulge their business or anything like that. I'm sitting here like, do you guys know how good you have it? And I know they get tired of this conversation, but I'm like, I'm sitting here expecting people to be me.

Menopause recalibrates hormones with ebbs and flows. This is true. Someone had mentioned this to me because one day I set it off on, I think everybody, even, even the cat, the cat was like, I even got another cat. Now my husband's mad because he is like, you got two cats up here? I'm like, well, we can't have a dog. You don't want us to have a dog. And he's like, heck is her problem. And I'm like, I'm going through it. So now I'm mad at the cats.

My children are pissing me off. I'm like, do better. You know better. So you should do better. I dunno. So this is why I said, like, I, I feel like I got a lot of nerve because I have a lot to be thankful for. But then there's a lot that pisses me off. And I'm like, you got people out here with real problems. And I'm leaning in on my kids, like, what about this seems right? All right, let me just talk about my sister for a second. Lemme move on to something else.

I I talk with my sister, the one that's directly beneath me several times outta the week on the good side. We, we, we get it in, we laugh. She's funny. I, I bunny with her. We have a good time. But I also dread talking to her because every time I talk to her, she's like, well, you know, so and so died. I'm like, why do you have to be the Crips keeper? Why do you have to always tell me about who died?

Why do you know this and why does it not bother you? She's like, well, you know, remember so and So? Yeah, but you know, they died about a week or so ago. Yeah, because, you know, I was on so and so and I saw it on that page, and I'm like, look, this whole hearing about people dying, Suby, I'm trying not to cuss because it's a family channel, but you know, if I wasn't on here, the words that would be coming outta my mouth, I'm like, why do you have to keep telling me about all the people who were dying? It messes me up. You know, when I think about like, when one of your favorite aunts or whatever, when they're not doing well, or people who have dementia or people you know, are in and outta the hospital.

It just, I don't know what it is, but it's, I'm like, I just wanna be an ostrich. I never was that person, but I'm 49 now, and I wanna be an ostrich. I wanna put my head in the sand. So on the one hand, I enjoy talking to my sister because she doesn't have any sense like me. She's the more calm one actually. But it's not that I'm not calm, but she's probably, I would say she's probably the more warm person, nurturing person.

So on the one hand, I enjoy talking to her, but on the other hand, I'm like, you cannot bring me bad news. You cannot bring me bad news. You know what? I know you didn't mean this to be funny. Key love life. For those of you who may be listening in podcasting, and when I eventually upload this, there's always a few relatives who scan the obituaries for everybody. Pillow, turquoise hot chocolate pillow to, I don't know what that means, pillow, turquoise hot chocolate. Is that like a, a site or something? My sister is going to be one of those people.

She's gonna be one of those people. Well, you know, so and so died because we know I saw, so she's one of those, and it doesn't bother her at all. She's two years younger than me. She's 47. Me. I'm like, I'm like, I'm ready to like lose it, right? She's just like, you know, oh, she said it is an emoji. Oh, pillow tur. Oh, I think I know which one you're talking about. Now. I don't know why I didn't catch that. Okay. But yeah, so she's one of those people who wants to bring me bad news about who's dying.

And I'm like, I don't need it. But we know that we are at this stage in life where a lot of people are starting to check out. A lot of our older family members are checking out, let me just say this. Most, I think about nine, nine, maybe all of the viewers don't know this, but back in October of 2023, I lost my mom, and this was her favorite time of year.

And someone had mentioned to me, we were talking about this time of year, and I said, you know, I'm in a place now where it doesn't really make me sad, right? Because my mom loved Christmas. But I will say I do reflect a lot, hence, I'm out here on Jesus's internet talking about why people get on my nerves. But anyway, I just wanted to talk about that, the, the, the hot and coldness of everything, the happiness, sadness of everything that I'm experiencing, right?

Because like I said, you can be happy talking to family, but on the same token, I'm like, can you not bring your freaking deaf information to me? Because we are already dealing with that with family members and old, like family friends and, and the things I, I, I'm, I'm done with that. I wanna talk about being employed for a second. I mean, this is where I really was, was struggling with this. I am quite happy that I am employed as far as I know there's no danger to my position.

It was interesting because yesterday I was at work and I was listening to, there are people who are going to be moved out of their position because of the way their position, the requirements for their position, or I don't know how to say this. Those positions are being eliminated. And they had to find a new position that could suit their, their skillset.

Meaning these were some highly trained, highly capable people with the greats skillset, but because they are not degreed individuals, they were, you know, there was a period of time when people can, can get positions of employment, And they did not necessarily need a degree because maybe if you came in as a young person and you learn the ropes. And so we're in a situation where we're gonna lose some people who are highly skilled, highly trained individuals that are kind of like a heartbeat of what is we do.

I'm an engineer, by the way. So if you wanna, if you're wondering what I'm talking about. And so on the one hand I am, the role that I am in, I'm actually not super technical for the con for the role that I'm in, is more on a consultant basis, on an advisory basis, right? You handle, I call it the mundane things that are the most unsexy. And I probably in another couple years or so, I might go back to a more technical role, but where I'm going with this is like, on the one hand, I'm, I'm happy.

I, I am not in danger of losing my position. I see people who are having to deal with those challenges. And I, I have mixed emotions about it because I also feel like even though they're highly skilled, and I hate for people to have their livelihood being like jerked around a little bit, I think they're gonna land okay. You know, just to go to a different role. But also I'm like, but you know what the requirements are moving forward. You knew this was gonna come up at some point in your life where they need you to have some form of education, right?

So it's like you chose to continue to go along and not if, you know, for this type of work that they are looking for people to have education at some point. Now, let me just say this. I don't even know. This is gonna be a slight segue off the topic and I'm gonna bring it back. The people who are largely being impacted by this don't look like me.

Still good people. And on the one hand, I feel like if they looked like me, would they have been given grace? Let me see, I see you put something up here. Be careful. It says most women in engineer architecture are heavily pushed out at 50. Yeah, but I, you are right. But I am not concerned about mine because they need people.

We are short people by a whole lot. And also, I do have a skillset that I can move to something else pretty quickly. But let me be clear, I I, I want to not do this in another five years. Okay? Let's be clear. I'm hoping if I can get my kids up outta school, I can just be an old cat lady. But where I was going with it is I'm looking at these individuals, you know what, what it is, and you chose not to make any changes.

On the other hand, I'm also like, wow, it needs to be real people, good people. You know, if you take off what the skin color looks like, these are real people. So I don't know, I'm torn. I'm happy for myself. I'm not overly thrilled with what I do, but it's meaningful. It's just not the sexy stuff right now.

I'm heavily compensated for it. I go to work and generally speaking, I don't even have any major stress. And I've been very fortunate to land that particular position and not be stressed. And yet the midlife crisis in me is like, what is wrong with you? You are happy that you have it, but then you're like sad because you're like, eh, this doesn't, this doesn't move me. I don't know. I, it is, I actually feel ungrateful.

I'm gonna move on to the next thing. I am gonna talk about body for a second. Body changes. There's so many things I can say, and I'm gonna try to just keep this, I don't know what I'm doing. On the one hand, I think I'm healthy, as far as I know. I go to my yearly checkups every year. I, I feel like a hypochondria hypochondriac.

And the, the doctor probably thinks I'm psychotic. I don't know. I mean, I say that a little tongue in cheek, but I seriously go to the doctor every year, my hand to God, and I am in a full blown panic. And I'm like, am I dying? Do I have cancer? Do I have congestive heart failure? Am I having an aneurysm?

On the one hand, I believe I'm healthy. But on the other hand, every little thing that starts to ache and irk me and, and all the things I freak out. And I'm like, what is going on with this body? I'm happy for that. What I believe is good health. But as I'm sitting here yammering on, and I should be grateful as far as I know that I'm in good health, all I could think about is this chin.

And, and I'm thickish just now, I'm not fat, but I'm like, I went from being fit. I went from being an athlete to like, I just want a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich on a clean, clear, bake plain bagel. I want a sausage, egg, and cheese on something. Everybody else I know is eating a bowl of bear and a glass of water, or they're on LPs.

And my greedy self is like, I really want a breakfast sandwich with a really good cup of coffee. Now let me tell you why this sounds ridiculous, right? Because I feel like when we start talking about bodies and, and health, you know, as far as I know I'm in good health, I'm happy that as far as I know, I don't have any major issues going on. But I'm also kind of like not thrilled with the fact that I'm not super fit.

Part of it is my lifestyle, because I have to start prioritizing myself more. I have been, I think, giving so much of my time to my family and I haven't prioritized myself. So I'm happy on the one hand that I think I have good health. But on the other hand, I'm like, why do I have a weak bladder?

Am I gonna be on the pen? I mean, I'm dead serious. Like this is, this is like the reality of it. I'm like, miss all with this whack ladder. Why is my sleeping so weird? Now, I knew about this for a while, you know, for the last decade or started dealing with the sleep issues. And I feel like I'm almost ungrateful. Instead of just saying Thank you, God, for the body that I have, it could be worse. I'm more like, why? And I am walking around here trying to be the next tell Tubby because I don't want to be on glp or maybe I should be on a GP, but I'm like, I, every time I see people on glp, they, they look weird.

Their face starts looking weird. Just, I don't know. Like I said, these aren't real problems. There are people out here with real problems. And I'm sitting here having a midlife crisis check in talking about why I'm not on a GOP and how I want a sandwich. Like there are people with real problems. And I'm like, this makes no sense. Maybe you need to do a cleanse, a parasite, a parasite cleanse into intermittent fast.

Yeah, my little greedy self tried to intermittent fast and it worked until I stopped doing it. Walking more can help you purge anxiety and trust yourself more. This is true. Now let me tell you something about the walking thing. It is true the issue I have been running into. Now look, here comes the excuses. Just be, be ready. Just get, get your little notes out. I have talking points, by the way. That's why I have my little sticky notes here. Get your notes out. Here comes the excuses, which is partially true.

I had started walking and I was feeling better. But because it's winter and it is cold as brick outside in uber dark for where I take my kids for their practices and stuff at night, it's not conducive for me to do any walking parasites, love sweets and pork child, because lemme tell you something.

See, lemme tell you, where are the excuses here? Because you ready for this? I took my daughter last night. We went to go get some bo, however you wanna pronounce it. And you know, of course I had to order the little crisp rolls, pork rolls. This is why I said there are a bunch of excuses. Let's be clear. There's a bunch of excuses. Let's be clear excuses, okay? But where I was going with it is the walking thing. Just because of the time of year where we are and the transport to and from.

It really is not conducive for walking. Once we have more daylight, once the location changed because we're more outdoors for certain sports or whatever it is, yes, I plan to resume my walking, but there's nothing stopping me for carving out 10 or 15 minutes at home to do something. I'm just usually tired. Excuses. The excuses, okay, look, we gotta, we gotta call a thing a thing. Anyway, this is why I'm talking about it.

It's me. The issue is me. But I definitely am a little freaked out about not being as fit as I used to be. I, I, I definitely, it's me. Now, this is one thing that I probably shouldn't talk about, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway. I have two of my kids in private school. I'm trying to move the other one over. Hopefully, I don't know, he might get in, most likely get in, I don't know.

But financially, we can't afford three kids in private school. We cannot. I told the school, I'm telling you right now, I cannot afford for my other one to go here. Like I just can't, unless somebody is gonna drop a pile of cash in my front yard. It's not happening. And this sounds so unserious of a conversation, but this conversation, this topic actually weighs on me because I think about my son who I believe needs to be in this school and the things that they provide and opportunities, if he gets in, it would be such the greats thing.

I can't even afford to sit there. And it makes me feel like a piece of, you know what, he didn't wanna go that first. He's the one I think that needs to go there the most. And I left him where he was and now I'm trying to move over. And now sitting here like these, like I said, these are not real problems. These are first world problems. But this is the kind of thing I'm dealing with in midlife. I'm like, am I being unfair to him now? Am I not giving him the opportunity? You know?

So on the one hand, you could be happy if he gets in, he might get in, but he's horrible at test taking. He is terrible. I'm like, how are you making it in life? But then I'm like, I can't afford it. And I'm like, if they can't figure something out, I'm like, I can't afford it. And so you think about the financial impact, you think about, am I sacrificing his future? Is he, you know what I mean? You said invest in weekly and monthly EETS.

We already do that. See if he can get an outside grant. You know, we're checking into a couple things. You know, we already are invested in dfs. So my whole big thing is it's like these aren't real world problems. There are people who are, like I said on my job, they're moving. They're gonna be moved outta their position. You've got people with spouses who are very ill. You, you've got real world problems happening.

And yet me and my midlife crisis, I'm happy and sad at the same time about things that I don't know. Nevertheless, those things matter to me. So I'm sure if you've seen any of my previous videos, I value education greatly. One of the things I tell my kids all the time is, and I push my kids Asian, not the trades, not because the trades aren't useful, the trades are great, but the trades also, you can get replaced by AI and automation and all the things.

I feel like the ceiling on trades is not as high as if you're getting your education and other things. Now, where am I going with this? Everyone's always like, oh, you could start your business if you, I'm like, yeah, but most people don't start a business when they're in the trades. Let's, let's stop that. Let's, let's be honest. Number two, I've always been, I've always said, when you go to college, the knowledge that you're getting is not just in your discipline.

I keep telling everyone that you're really studying, I would say systems, it's all, all interconnected. You're, you're, you're learning how to network. You're, there's a lot more self discovery in my opinion, because you're away and you're faced with challenges. And that's not to say that you can't get fat in a trait, but I, when you go and you study a discipline, right?

They typically will ensure that you're getting cross-trained in a lot of other things. So maybe you don't have a degree in that other area, but you get so much from your education. I agree. Thank you. You get so much. I explained to people that, like when I went to school, now I came out with an engineering degree, but when I was there at Believe, actually I started off as a physics major, believe it or not.

But when I was there, I had to learn across multiple disciplines in order to get that degree. Multiple engineering disciplines. But also they make you take classes that are not engineering classes to understand. Like, just understand. Let me tell you something. I actually learned this outta school, believe or not, I remember I was in a seminar maybe 10, not quite 10 years ago. And you know how you always know something, but you never put a name to it.

I believe it was with, maybe it was Google. I, I, was it Google? I think it was Google. I remember Google said something like, when we're looking for diversity, we are not just looking at race. And I was like, okay, well where are they going with this? And they were like, so of course you want racial diversity 'cause you have different perspectives. They said, but it gets deeper than that. They said, they said, like for example, if we're looking for black students, we're not gonna go find black students just from an HBCU.

We want black students from other areas, right? We want engineers and scientists, whatever from other areas in the country, because everyone's gonna have different perspectives on things, different methodologies, right? And then they were like, but we also want people who come from the various backgrounds if we can find that information. Not right. They said it's good to have people who are wealthy and not wealthy. And it made me think of, now look, don't look, don't judge me by this.

This is how I liken it. This is how I made the comparison. I feel like I'm about to get flames for this. I I liken it to, if you are trying to solve a problem in supply chain, you have people who've been formally trained on trying to figure out their supply chain issues. But what if you're from the hood and you are a pharmaceutical rep of the not so legal kind? What if you were selling a particular product and you were having issues sourcing your product or transporting your product?

Where am I going with this? You're still dealing with a supply chain issue, but how you solve those problems, Right? And where I'm going with it, with the Google thing, they were saying like, people who come from different backgrounds, they have problems that they solve, but they solve them differently. And so I could talk to my kids, I said, you wanna travel the world, right? Traveling the world is gonna allow you to see different things. I think one of my favorite things that I used to discover was like whenever I would go to like some place, like in Asia, like Japan, it's a good one.

They have all the best gadgets in the world. And I like collecting gadgets. I don't know why I probably should get on somebody's couch for it. I just like gadgets. But they solve problems that we all have slightly different problems that I didn't even know I had. I'm like, oh my gosh, I could use this gadget and that. And where I was going with it was when Google made a comment that like every person has a perspective on things and how they solve these problems based off their environment, their culture, their upbringing, all the things.

And that's why you need a collection of those kinds of minds in the room. Because supply chain might look different to the person over here versus over there. But it's still a supply chain issue. How did they solve it? I really want to deep dive on that, but I'm getting off topic. I wanted to get back to, you know, me in my midlife crisis, that's not a crisis. Having these first world problems and Getting back to it, I was concerned about my, my child.

I was concerned that maybe if he gets into this school, his private school with his siblings, since I'm enrolling him after the fact, I, I can't afford to send him, I can't afford to send him. And so then you start, it becomes bittersweet because you're like, on the one hand, he got in and now it's like, can't send you buddy.

You waited and waited and fought and fought and fought me and now you're ready to go. And now I'm like, and you're the one I wanted to send and I should have just been the parent. And just I took into account his feelings and his thoughts. You said maybe this is more of a midlife evaluation. It could be, but I am concerned that I should have, just as the parent just said, you're going and I have been looking into this for a few years and I don't know, I try not to have regrets.

But that one, that one, that one stings a little bit. Let me tell you about, let me, let me end this because I feel like I've been talking too long. On the one hand I wanna talk about hair. Let's go back to the hair situation. On the one hand, I have virtually no gray hair. And for the most part, I have good skin. Now granted, I just happen to be sitting at my counter and I have good lighting, okay?

But when I walk up outta here, the dark circles under my eyes. Can you guys see this? It's worse in regular lighting. I look like I've been beat up. I look like I have gotten into like fist cuffs. I got my transitions I had to get this year because, you know, if I don't have 'em on, you know, I can actually see without them this close. It's this whole situation, right? So I'm sitting here thinking like, on the one hand, and is, is, is this is rooted in vanity though.

Like this is the stuff I'm talking about. I'm like, how can you be happy and sad about stuff that's not even that big of a deal? I'm happy that I don't have a lot of gray hair. I get one or two strands. This is how my hair grows outta my head. Can you see that real talk? Can you see my edges? Look, I don't wanna give up all my secrets 'cause you know, I got my quick weaving. That is how my hair grows outta my head. I'm gonna be 50 years old and I've been really fortunate. But let me tell you what's not fortunate. I have to take care of medicine for this little spot while I having weaving right?

There's a spot right here that at one point I was going bald and growing back in and stuff like that. I have hair medicine because my hair's gotten thinner right there. I'm like, what is this? Do I have alopecia? Am I going bald? I mean, look, if I was going bald, I was gonna be wig it out all day every day. But I had to go to the dermatologist for the last couple years. We got under control. The hair has grown back, not as thick. So now I'm trying injections just to help stimulate the scalp stuff. And they said, oh yeah, it's gonna work. It's gonna be great.

We'll find out. So like on the one hand, I'm happy that I don't have a lot of gray hair, but on the other hand I'm like, yo, what is going on with the why is my hair thinner there? I'm walking around now like, you can't even tell me. Well, if I style it right and curl it right and everything, you know, my little quick weed is, is weaving. It's cute. I mean, obviously I just brushed it down and so I can get on camera, but I have this little short little quick weave in to make it look close to my natural hair as possible.

And as you can see the color growing up, that's how my hair is. Dy that's what took my hair out. Go on my TikTok. You'll see I look a hot mess. Yeah, these are the things they, they don't matter, but yet they do focus on these things because I guess I'm not happy unless I'm focusing on something. But yeah, my, my hair fell out from putting that dye in. I must not have conditioned it, right? I mean, it was cute for about a month and a half, two months until it wasn't. And then it all started to break it off. So I was walking around back of my hair was looking like this.

The other side was looking like this. It was just a mess. So I actually, what I did, I went and cut my hair, I cut it down. So it's actually, if I were to take this out, my hair is even all the way around to right about here. It's actually kind of cute actually. I should put a, make it a bob. Where am I going with this? It's like I have these happy and sad moments. Then I feel like I should be grateful. I'm not like super depressed.

I should be happier. I, that's just where I'm at in my midlife. I wonder what's going on with my weirdo body. My little weak bladder. Weak bladder. You hear me? I need to start doing some pelvic thrust and strengthening and everything like that. I mean, it's just sad. It is sad. I, I'm like, freak it out. I always think I'm dying, even if I'm not. I went through a period, no lie, this is gonna sound crazy, where I was convinced that I was having a heart attack and I never knew what anxiety felt like and stress until they were like this.

I was like, are you stressed now? I was like, I remember I went through a period and I want you to listen to this for a second. I said this on another video, probably a year or two ago. I want you to listen to how ignorant I, I was several years ago. I thought I was having a heart attack. And I would go to the doctor and I was like, I think I'm having a heart attack. And they were like, there's nothing wrong with your heart. I'm like, I'm having heart attacks.

They're like, no, you're not. Just, are you sleeping? And I was like, sometimes they were like, I would go to work and out of nowhere I would feel like I'm having a heart attack. And I would go in the bathroom and I was like, and I would start crying and he'll call a doctor and having a heart attack. And they're like, I think you might be stressed.

I remember going to my other sister's house for a birthday party years ago for one of her children. And I get to her house. Their air conditioning happened to have broken. It was broken. I mean, there's nothing they could do about it. I mean, like, they couldn't predict that, right? It was 50, 11 degrees outside. And I was like pure Hades in that house. She was having it at her house. I get in the car and I tell my husband, take me straight to the er, I'm having a heart attack.

I get to the er and the ladies, they must, I don't know, this sounds like kind of racial, but they found black, a black nurse tech, I'm, I'm not sure exactly what it was called. And like a nurse or whatever. I got put in a room and the lady asked my husband to step out 'cause he was on his phone like this. He was like playing, playing games.

They asked him to step out. I was like, well, Wiley's gonna step out. They're like, we need to talk to you. They were like, do you know what's happening right now? I'm like, no. They were like, you are having like a panic attack. Some sort of anxiety attack. They couldn't even get blood pressure, blood drawn or anything because I was so like, then that didn't stop there. 'cause I was so convinced that I was having heart attacks. My doctor sent me to a cardiologist.

I go to the cardiologist. They even had me wear the halter monitor. They were like, okay, a couple days come back. I go, they read the results and the female doctor says, not that it matters that she's a female, but it kind of does because I wanted to slap that b She said to me, and it was shady the way she said it, but I think she said it in a way that would catch my attention. She said, I had been a doctor for however many years.

She said, I'm pretty good at what I do and if there's something wrong with your heart, I'll catch it. There is nothing wrong with your heart and I can't diagnose you. But you mean to go figure out what it is that's stressing you out. You need to go figure that out. Throw some things off the boat. There is nothing wrong with your heart. And if there was something wrong with your heart, I would've found it. And so I don't know what psychological things are bothering now.

You know, I'm looking at her like this beep beep, beep beep. And she is like, there's nothing wrong with you. It's something psychological. And she went on and on and on, but basically was like, have a good day. You can leave my office. Now, she didn't say those words like that, but I think she saw my face and I was like, oh, I know I was giving her I, and so she was like, yeah, there is nothing wrong with your heart.

So after doing that, you think you were in there? No, because my sixth self was convinced. I'm like, they don't listen to black women. Black women that, I went back to the doctor, they were like, I need you to go to sleep. I need you to go to sleep. So I finally started getting some sleep and, and some of the, the, the, the issues finally arrested itself. But then, because I was so crazy during that timeframe, I went from congestive heart failure in my mind and heart attacks to out of nowhere.

I got a couple headaches. I virtually never get headaches. So I'm like, is this a migraine? Is this an aneurysm? And it's all starting to converge around the time when people started dying in my forties. So now let me wrap this up where I'm going with this. Why I say I love talking to my sister, but I hate talking to her because she gives me all the bad news. And I'm like, please stop telling me about everybody dying. I'm at the point right now. I just want to be ignorant. I want to be in ostrich. I want my head in the sand and maybe only for six months.

I don't know. But these are the kind of things that I'm dealing with with menopause. I'm happy and sad at the same time. I feel like my body is a traitor. I got a weak bladder on any given moment. I think I'm just gonna go wipe my pants. I I I might be walking down the street one day and just have a full on. It's, it's, it's bound to happen. It's bound to, it's, it's, it's bound to happen. I don't know. I'm, I need to start doing some Kegels or something. I, I I need to like get myself together.

All in all, I feel like I'm happy and sad at the same time. I'm not depressed. I'm not gonna go jump off my front stoop. I'm not going to, but I'm not overly happy either, right? I'm not overly sad. I'm not. I'm just, it's just midlife. I don't know if anybody can identify with that with heck, I can't really identify with it. I have more of these crazy stories. But for that, for that period of time, I definitely thought I was dying.

They were like, ma'am, please stop coming to my office. I used my medical insurance during that timeframe. I'm just saying I was in there. All right, so look, today was the day I was supposed to go to work and be there early. It is 5 0 6. I tried. I was supposed to be there by five. It's not gonna happen. It takes me about 30, 35 minutes to get there. I'm gonna go ahead and make some coffee. Maybe not because coffee is a diuretic.

Yeah, that's what I'm dealing with in midlife. I have all kinds of other crazy stories. You put, it's the sick society projecting pains and body mind symptoms for us to run to doctors. Then you have those pains do breathing exercises of the writing in a grateful journal. I actually, believe it or not, I actually just started just praying about it. Like, just thanking God, you know, I don't do it all the time, but I've also learned that like, this is just part of the aging process too.

You're gonna have these crazy little nagging aches and pains and some of these things are self-inflicted. Like, you know, I'm not going to eat the sausage, egg and cheese on like, like sandwich right on like a bagel or anything like that today, right? I am not gonna do that. But I most certainly want one. I'm going to fill my water bottle with water. I drink a lot of water anyway. I'm gonna fill my bottle, my bottle, my water bottle up with bottle, my filtered water from the house.

I'm going to pack some berries to take. I don't think I have any more yogurt for, for breakfast, but that's not what I want. I don't want that. I don't want it. Lemme rephrase that. I want that. And the bacon or sausage, egg and cheese on bagel, that, that, that's what I want. But then I'm gonna sit there and whine about it because I'm like, I feel like a tele to now. And let me just say for the record, I am not big.

I'm big by my standard, but I'm thick now thick. So with that being said, that's where I'm at in midlife. It was just really a check-in. It wasn't a true rant. There's more I could talk about l to be thankful for, but then the other side of me comes out and I'm just, I leaning on my kids too much. They're probably like, my mom needs to go somewhere.

But then as you have your 25-year-old body and bladder is mine of a matter. It does wonders. Maybe I should give that a try, but, all right. I did not expect this to be a long video, and yet it was, this is the greats opportunity for you guys to subscribe to my little channel because I'm practically perfect in every way and could do no wrong, except when I'm talking about all my bit like crisis issues on my little notes I had on here today. And until next time, and like I said, I, I have been pulling back from being on camera as much just because I needed time and space.

That's what I needed. Oh, let me just say one thing real quick and then I'll get off. Not related to midlife. YouTube sent me a little year on end thing that I tend to watch. And the number one thing, I forgot what they call it. Basically it was about like the sciences or whatever, like space and stuff. It was that. And then the other thing said relationships. I'm like, I don't really look up things in relationships. I watch a lot of sports, a lot of things on like space in the mind, the philosophy, whatever.

All all, all those kinds of things. You know, I, I like to, to look up those kinds of things. Sometimes I'll look at animals, I don't know why animals in the wild safari animals. And it's funny because whenever I talk to people about like, you know what you consume on social media, it is a choice. You know, it can influence your moods, your habits and other things. And sure enough, they're like, you like to think a lot. Like when I used to get out here and, and talk about why do we sit here and watch a whole bunch of videos on people tearing each other down, the weirdo manosphere stuff or whatever.

Like, I'm like, stop feeding that. Stop feeding it. And I just wanna say for the record, I'm just glad that I'm a woman of my word because sure enough, when it said what it is that I tend to watch, it was like, ugh, I forgot what they call the category. But it was basically stuff on science and space and mind tricks. And I like to look up things on like illusions, like, like optical illusions, anamorphic illusions, forced perspectives.

I just, I just like looking up those kinds of things and, and like, what's it like if we were to go here and do this and how the effects of our body, like all the weird nerdy stuff, right? It's so important what you feed yourself. It's important what your algorithm feeds to you in my algorithm. Besides that kind of stuff, honestly, right now it's a lot of sports stuff. I'm a big sports person, so I get all the sports stuff. Occasionally I get some of the weirdo relationship stuff.

Occasionally I'll select it. Occasionally I don't. But to be honest, I, I don't feel like hearing about some weirdo dudes getting up on there talking about what's it like to be a man? I'm like, y'all don't even know. And then they picked the worst woman to represent womanhood up on there. I I do not know anything about a hemi syn frequency. Never heard of that. But yeah, so I I, I don't like to listen to a lot of those things because they're so fruitless.

Like these, like a lot of these people who get up there talking about relationships, don't even have valuable relationships that can hold water. They give out the worst advice And they speak to the most damaged people about how to live their lives. And I'm like, there's no way I could ever dedicate any mental cycles to, to being on somebody's stage to talk about those things. Because I would, they would walk me off. I'd be like, you're stupid. I'm like, why are you even, this is the thing that gets me the most.

You'll have women going to men on how to catch a man. Men not homosexual men, men don't know how to catch men. Men are gonna tell you what they think they want. You need to go to women. They're the ones who can tell you how to catch a man. Those are the ones that men, if they're, you know, heterosexual. It's just stuff like that. I'm like, this is, you've got men talking about, this is the thing that, that I keep hearing people talking about when they say, what do you want from women?

Because, oh, I do watch Pop the balloon. I don't look, I, this is my guilty pleasure. I get my heehaw at some of this. I hear people get up there And they say, I want a woman who's gonna give me peace. And I'm like, okay, no one wants to argue or anything like that, but I'm like, peace is here. It's a state of mind. It's like, well what are you giving her? And it's all about these women have to give them peace.

It's like they want no adversity. I don't know what it is, but when I hear people say that, you know, I just want somebody as peaceful. I mean, we all wanna be peaceful, but it just seems like, why is that a thing that you have to get up and say on, on somebody's stage? What kind of person are you sourcing where you have to say, I want somebody giving me peace. Because if I had to get up there, well I don't, but let's say my, if my husband should spontaneously blow up or something, well, I, I wouldn't wanna date anybody, but like if I had to go look for somebody, like am I gonna say I want somebody gimme peace?

Like what kind of person are you sourcing? Like that's, it's just a weird thing. Like I want no adversity, I want nothing. And I'm just kind of like, to me something about that makes me think you are not a man. I know pop balloon is a social experiment. I love it. It definitely is a social experiment. I noticed that also too. What I have seen is on that show, the way that, that they are bringing on these potential contestants or love, like love interests or whatever, the people who are like the one who gets to choose, they seem to be in general, I think a little bit more respectful of people.

At least from when I started watching it. 'cause in the beginning, it just to be like the wild wild west and the people who are allowing themselves to be judged, to be picked, they seem to be, they, it seems like they're trying to source, source some better people. I think, I don't know. I'm not saying it's great. I definitely think it's a social experience, experiment. Experiment. I can't talk. But anyway, where was I going with this? I'm sorry I got so far on track.

I do believe the stuff that you source, like the stuff that you put into your algorithm that is getting fed to you does play a part in your psyche. A lot of these people they look at for the same types of shows and stuff to get into these weird echo chambers. And I used to always tell people, find something else to, to read about or study about or whatever. On YouTube, there's so much content out there. The last thing I want to do is constantly listen to someone talk about what a good woman or what a good man is.

And I'm like, but you are not somebody that like, I don't know, the whole thing was so dumb to me and I was like going through all my midlife crisis stuff these last few years. So the last thing I want to hear about is shenanigans. It was just so dumb to me. So anyway, feed yourself other stuff. I, I tend to feed myself about sports, animals in the safari scientific stuff. Occasionally some of the weird relationship stuff, if it happens to pop up and if it doesn't look too stupid occasionally, oh, I'll tell you what, I will look up, well not look up, but what I will click on occasionally I'll get something.

I'm like, how did this, this algorithm figure this out? I'll occasionally listen to anything when they start talking about like colorism, because that seems to have surfaced a lot. And I'm sitting out here looking all bright on in this camera and I'm curious to see who is being selected to represent light people and dark people and what comes out their mouths.

I find it. So anyway, a lot of times it's a bunch of blah blah, blah blah, blah. And I feel like if you're gonna have those conversations, everybody has to be in the room. I don't think you need to have those conversations in a vacuum. And it has to be purposeful. It can't just be a whole big, you treated me bad, you cut my hair, I can't find a man. It's, it's, it's deeper than that. So, all right, let me get off because I can hear my husband's alarm went off upstairs and I should have been at work already. We, we flip flop days 'cause we get our kids up and get 'em out the door.

But now I need to go take the clothes that have been drying out of the dryer, take those upstairs with the rest of my clothes, make some sort of lunch that I will be grossly unhappy with and start my day. And then I'm gonna be leaving work early because my kids have basketball games. But, all right, Hemi, sync frequency. I need to look that up 'cause I've never heard of that Hemi sync frequency.

All right, until next time, go watch all of my videos 'cause I'm practically perfect in every way. I could do no wrong. And make sure you subscribe.

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